Shadow Boxing the Apocalypse

2006-03-07T17:46:00.001-06:00

Ok... Last Post

This is the honest to goodness last post you'll ever see at this site.

I promise.

No, I swear.

Cross my heart and hope to die.

Stick a needle in my eye.

Nope my finger's aint crossed...

From here on out you can find me here ranting and raving about sports (namely the Cubs), politics, and popular (and unpopular?) culture. I've brought my blogroll along with me, so please make all pertinent changes.

Thank you and good night!

2006-03-05T07:28:00.000-06:00

You'll Never Walk Alone

You say the hill's too steep to climb
Climb it.
You say you'd like to see me try
Climbing.

You pick the place and I'll choose the time
And I'll climb That hill in my own way.
Just wait a while for the right day.
And as I rise above the tree lines and the clouds
I look down, in the sound of the things you said today.

Fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd
Smiling.
Merciless the magistrate turns 'round
Frowning.

And who's the fool who wears the crown?
And go down, in your own way
And every day is the right day
And as you rise above the fear-lines in the crowd
You look down, in the sound of the faces in the crowd.

Thanks to everybody for everything. I appreciate the support and friendship.

2006-02-14T22:24:00.000-06:00

Me First and the Gimmee Gimmees

I've been tagged for a meme by the nice folks over at Over Fed Mind (Thank you very much). Whenever I read the word Meme I always think of that fat chick on the Drew Carey Show. (Thank you very little.)

Four jobs I’ve had:
1. Pest Control technician
2. Restaurant manager
3. Athletic track builder
4. Steel factory worker

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Fletch
2. Where the Buffalo Roam
3. Apocalypse Now
4. Legend of Boggy Creek

Four places I’ve lived:
1. Newton, Iowa (Land of the free)
2. Ames, Iowa (Where the grass was green and the girls were pretty)
3. Iowa City, Iowa (Home of the free lunch program)
4. Chicago, Illinois (Nothing was free)

Four TV shows I love:
1. Daily Show
2. The Colbert Report
3. History Traveler
4. Modern Marvels

Four highly regarded and recommended TV shows I haven’t seen (much of):
1. Scrubs
2. That show about Earl
3. Big Brother
4. Dr. Phil

Four places I’ve vacationed:
1. California
2. Arizona
3. Minneapolis
4. Austin, Texas

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Plate
2. Bowl
3. Cup
4. Bottle (?)

Four sites I visit daily:
1. Big StupidTommy
2. Hawkeye Hoops
3. Des Moines Register
4. Amazon

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Buck Owens concert with Nate in Bakersfield, California
2. With Haws in Washington D.C.
3. In a convertible speeding down a southwestern desert highway with my wife
4. At a ballgame with my kids

Four bloggers that I am tagging:
1. Ginny
2. Karen
3. Jonnie
4. Omni

Ok you four... You've been tagged. Now it's all about youyou.

2006-02-14T19:25:00.000-06:00

Hamburger Helpless

I think my all time favorite food is Hamburger Helper.

It's even delicious when it is prepared without hamburger, as I found out last weekend while I was sick. I simply called it, "Helper."

It lived up to it's name. It warmed me all up inside and made me feel nice and fuzzy.

Actually I already felt fuzzy... But it added warmth to my fuzziness. It maintained it's warm and fuzziness right up to the moment I projectiled it into the toilet.

Hamburger Helper is special because it's one of those few foods that are good no matter how it is broken down. Hamburger is good with or without "Helper", and "Helper" is good with or without the Hamburger... Put the two ingredients together and you have what is perhaps the world's perfect food.

(Unlike for instance: Sugar Peas... Sugar is certainly ok by itself... But Peas can't really stand alone.)

The name Hamburger Helper lends the idea that hamburger actually needs help. Like I already mentioned, hamburger is perfectly good by itself... It doesn't really need the help.

It would make more sense to name a product say... Peas Helper.

Another one of my favorite foods is Tuna Helper.

In fact If I had to list my favorite top three foods, I't probably be:

1. Hamburger Helper
2. Tuna Helper
3. "Helper"

On some days that list might be switched around, depending on if I want fish or beef. Or if I have a red wine or a white wine. (Obviously a red wine would be more suited for Hamburger Helper, and a white wine more suited for the Tuna version.) Or if I wasn't in the mood for that meaty texture, I'd just choose the "Helper" like I did this past weekend.

There you go. Now you know where I stand on Hamburger and Tuna Helper. And you were probably expecting a Valentines Day post... Sheesh!

Oh, and one more thing:

Nate in Bakersfield once said that "Hamburger Helper is the hottest substance known to man." At the time I absolutely agreed with him. Now being older and wiser, I often find myself pondering if Tuna Helper might rival the heat of Hamburger Helper. Unfortunately we may never know... Because there isn't a thermometer that exists that can register that high level of temperature.

2006-02-13T21:25:00.000-06:00

Ding Ding Dong

I will be sore on Wednesday morning. It's a new automatic... Death, taxes, and muscle aches on Wednesdays.

I joined a city dodge ball league. It's perhaps the most questionable thing I have done in the last 15 years. We play on Tuesday nights, and I suppose I'll lace up the tennis shoes for another violent round tomorrow evening.

It's brutal. I might as well be dodging baseballs fired by Roger Clemens. Times six.

I am quite possibly the oldest person in the league. The teams are dominated by young college athletic types... Who hold no quarter when it comes to laser beaming a ball up into my grill.

But honestly, I do pretty well. I don't even get hit that often, and when I do it's not up in the nostrils. It's usually in my back as I'm bending to retrieve a ball... This second layer of back fat is coming in pretty handy.

The soreness comes from the running and jumping and the reaching and the lightning speed of the fast paced game. It's forcing me to use muscles that I have had on the shelf for over a decade. It's not like playing frisbee golf where my body uses one smooth sweeping motion and has developed a comfortable pattern that glides the exact same motion in throw after throw.

Oh no. Dodge ball is not like that at all.

I am jerking and leaping, dodging and throwing. I am somersaulting after loose balls, sprinting for others, and shaking both fists with determined anger. I am diving. I am bouncing. And yes occasionally I am taking a 200 mph heater right upside my melon.

That is where the pain comes from... But I'm not complaining. Afterall, Pain is just weakness leaving the body.

The name of our team is Capital Punishment. We probably receive it more often than we dish it out however.

It's a team I assembled... And I recruited it with an emphasis on the word team, with the intention of building a complete package. I got a couple of great athletes for offense, a couple of lunatics for psychiatric support, two girls (who are great athletes) for decoys, one mean ass biker type for the fear factor, and a couple of other guys that I'll call pawns.

Oh... and I got my brother in law but he may be on pernament disable because after the first game it was revealed that he had ripped several of his stomach muscles.

They say that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. That statement may have some merit at some level. But I can't help but think that what doesn't kill us only makes us strive for that one step that brings us closer to death... I truly understand that there will be a day when I am getting too old for this shit. But I am not there yet. And with that being said, there will be guaranteed pain on Wednesday.

Yeeaah. Like Dre' says, Keep their muthafuckin heads ringin'. Dinga-linga-ling-ling-dong.

2006-02-13T17:05:00.000-06:00

What Killed Peter Benchely?

Yesterday I watched Jaws the Revenge on some afternoon cable movie channel. It had a promising lineup of actors... Micheal Caine, Mario Van Peebles... but it was the description of the movie that actually hooked me into watching it:

A large great white shark haunts the widow of a fisherman and her son as they vacation in the Bahamas...

The widow of course was Ellen Brody, the wife of the deceased Police Chief Martin Brody from the original 1975 classic. He was eaten alive by the shark in an earlier episode of Jaws... Jaws 2?... Jaws 3-D?... And the grizzly old sea hag never really got over it.

Ellen Brody, played by Lorraine Gary (Glen Close beaten with an ugly stick), decides to take what's left of her family to the Bahamas for a little sun and fun at the beaches (How ironic) and to put her past presumedly behind her. Of course it's all wishful thinking because somehow a great white shark- a cousin of the original shark in the first Jaws - catches wind that she'll be down there and decides to go down there himself to personally disrupt their vacation plans.

Of course that means eating basically everybody that she knows and well... You get the picture.

It's kind of hard to enjoy a vacation and put painful memories of your friends and family getting eaten alive by a giant shark behind you when your friends and family are half way around the world and still getting eaten alive by a giant shark.

If she was smart, she would have vacationed in say... Ohio... Or Montana... Or some other place very far inland. What the hell is she going to do next year... Take the grandkids to Sea World?

Anyway, Peter Benchely died today (The creator of Jaws) and I was wondering if he too saw this movie yesterday. It might have been enough to kill him.

2006-02-12T15:42:00.000-06:00

Friendly Fire

In light of this headline, please caption this photo:

2006-02-12T14:47:00.000-06:00

Sick Sick Sick.

Yes I have been. All weekend long. Well, maybe longer than that. But this time it was physical. A case of some food poisoning I am guessing... I lost so much liquid these last few days that I could have rivaled a sun dried tomato for lack of hydration... Which, by the way, when made with a wine white cheese sauce... Is very good on pizza.

Sun dried tomatoes that is...Not what I was extolling out all weekend.

Anyway I had the chance to listen to a lot of talk radio these past few days, and to catch a glimpse or two of the TV. I did witness the HAWKEYE beating of Indiana on Saturday for a season sweep, and a lone spot atop the Big Ten Conference standings.

That made me feel pretty good for a while... Until I had to puke again.

I listened to Coast to Coast AM with George Noory Friday night and Art Bell Saturday night almost in their entirety due to diarhea induced insomnia, and to some guy I never heard of before named McConnell whom I found somewhat entertaining.

He had a little rant about Valentines Day and how it is a feminine holiday because generally males spend about 6 times more each year on this holiday than do women... Which I really don't have a problem with, but then he said, according to polls, that 7 out of 10 males say that they pick up the check for the Valentine's dinner, and that 6 out of 10 women say that they do.

Hmmm. I thought. That's like 13 out of 10. No wonder restaurants love Valentines day so much... There's virtually no dine and dashing going on.

Then Saturday night our house caught on fire and the entire neighborhood was awakened shortly after midnight to fire truck lights and sirens and the sloppy ruckus of Jaxon my trusty chupacabra trying his best to get at the firemen as they barged through our dark house in full fireman gear with flashlights and long handled axes.

Luckily I was able to stave off Jaxon, thus sparing innocent lives.The fire was minimal - the result of some loose wiring on a power outlet in the basement. The house was spared... And nobody was hurt thank God. Aside from an uncorfortable moment in which there was a discussion about "exotic animals allowed within the city limits" everything worked out ok in the end. I gave twenty dollars to the fireman for "the benevolent fund" and he said that he'd forget about the whole thing. I was dead tired, but due for another run to the toilet, so I puked and went back to bed.

When I woke up today the radio was saying that "Michelle Kwan's olympic dream has come to a nightmarish end!"

Immediately my thoughts raced back to the Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding episode of many years ago. Just as I was pondering whether or not Tonya Harding might have the audacity to hire an attack again and to have Michelle Kwan's knees bashed in with a baseball bat, the lady on the radio said that the Michelle Kwan was pulling out of competition due to an aggravated groin injury.

Yeah, some nightmare lady.

Some have dreams of the boogey man. And others have dreams of groin pulls that keep them awake all night.

Myself, I have my bodily fluids.

2006-02-06T19:17:00.000-06:00

Super Bowl Commercials

Did you like the ads this year during the Super Bowl?

I thought that they were ok, with some being better than others. I especially liked the first Bud Light ad with the office worker guy talking to his boss on the elevator saying that he hid several Bud Lights around the office to boost morale, then the elevator door opened to complete chaos; people tackling eachother for the hidden beers, punching holes in the walls, etc. Then his boss says that he found the last one only to get creamed from another office worker.

The caveman Fed Ex commercial wasn't bad, and it garnered a chuckle from the room, including from me. However, I am a bit biased... I love about anything caveman. Cavemen always make me laugh.

I noticed that Miller didn't even run an ad this year... which seems kind of strange to me. Budweiser being there was a given, you'd think that Miller would be cornering that market. Not that I cared. I don't drink Miller products anyway, unless I'm in a desperate situation. Also, I thought that maybe Ford dropped the ball too. With the game being played in Detroit and confronted with sluggish sales prompting thousands of lay-offs, perhaps a good old fashioned American car commercial might have been an effective marketing tool.

But then again, maybe not. There is obviously a reason that I am not in marketing.

Congrats to Robby and Shep: Two bloggers that I know of that are avid Steelers fans. There's no denying that it was your year.

I'd like to hear your thought on the Super Bowl commercials, so drop me a line...

2006-02-05T12:56:00.000-06:00

Helping the Wealthy

Besides the normal preparations that are a part of Super Bowl Sunday - prepping the hors d'ourves, digging out some vintage CHIEFS clothing to wear for representation, and picking up a case, I also found time today to vote for the dress that I want Kimberly Stewart to wear at the grammys.

I prefer a little "white noise", a lavish cream colored dress designed by Anthony Franco as opposed to the competition - black number designed by Dawid Wolinski or a gold gown designed by Jenny Packham.
Apparently I am in the majority because 45% of the people surveyed so far agree with me.

Now I am not a fashion critic by any stretch of the imagination. I haven't watched the grammys since the hair band days, when I actually had a vested interest in them. But I couldn't pass up a chance to be a part of history - a chance to help a young fashionista choose her grammy night red carpet attire.

Who the hell is Kimberly Stewart anyway?

I don't even know. And nor do I want to. If she is up for a grammy, I do know one thing: She probably sucks.

But that is beside the point. The fact that she'll possibly be wearing a dress to the grammys that I personally helped her to pick out is a cool thing. Even though I won't actually be watching her red carpet arrival, knowing that she is comfortably wearing a dress picked by her peers gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. She'll be glowing radiantly as the Hollywood "Ooohs" and "Aahhhs" greet her as she steps out of the limo.

And I will have had something to do with it.

2006-02-03T20:02:00.000-06:00

Hold the Kitchen Sink

From Ken Fuson in today's Des Moines Register:

At the drive-through: "Hello, I'm Kristi. May I help you?"

"I'd like a cup of coffee."

"What size?'

"Large."

"Latte, cappuccino or espresso?"

"Just coffee."

"Dark roasted, light roasted or decaf?"

"Dark."

"Room for cream?"

"No, thanks."

"Milk?"

"No."

"Sugar?

""No."

"Sweet'N Low?"

"No."

"How about a cinnamon roll?"

"No."

"Biscotti?"

"Nope."

"Muffin?"

"Just coffee, thanks."

"We have a special on pie. Two for $1. How about a couple of slices of hot apple pie?"

"Look, Kristi, I'm trying to get to work. I'd just like coffee."

"Would you like to donate to this very worthy charity event that we are sponsoring?"

"Sorry."

"It's a great cause. We're going to walk for -"

"Just the coffee, OK?"

"Salt and ketchup?"

"For coffee?"

"I thought you might like some fries. We have fresh French fries. Try saying that three times. Fresh. French. Fries. That's hard to do. Hahaha."

"No, fries. Just coffee. I'm sort of in a hurry, Kristi. I need to get to work."

"Will this be cash or credit card?"

"Cash."

"Would you like to buy some traveler's checks? We sell those now, too."

"Nope. I'd just like to pay for my coffee with cash."

"Do you want me to put your cup of coffee in a bag?"

"No, thanks."

"How about a cup holder?"

"For crying out loud! What is the problem? Why can't you just order something and pay for it anymore? I'm not looking to have a relationship. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want a blueberry bagel or a car wash or an extended service warranty. I just want my damn coffee!"

Several minutes pass.

"May I help you?"

"What happened to Kristi?"

"I'm the manager. Kristi is crying. She said you yelled at her."

"I didn't yell. I just wanted -"

"She said you cussed at her."

"I didn't cuss at her. I just said I want my damn coffee."

"Sir, we don't appreciate that kind of language."

"OK, look, I'm sorry. Really. I just wanted to buy a cup of coffee. I don't want to answer a checklist of questions. If I wanted a doughnut, I'd order one."

"You want a doughnut?"

"No, I was -"

"Sprinkled, frosted or chocolate?"

"I don't want a doughnut."

"Cream-filled centers? They just came out of the oven."

"No, you misunderstood. I don't want a doughnut. I was just trying to make a point. You can't buy a six-pack of beer at the grocery store without some bagger asking, "Where's the party?" Seems like you can't buy anything without somebody trying to sell you something else, or act like your buddy, or try to sign you up for a credit card, or -"

"I'd be glad to accept your credit-card application. You will get 10 percent off your first box of doughnuts. What is your phone number?"

"I'm not giving you that."

"Then I can't give you a credit card."

"Good, I don't want one."

"Then you'll pay full price for the doughnuts."

"I don't want any doughnuts. What is this — Who's on First?"

"We have a special on Abbott and Costello CDs."

"No! This is ridiculous. You're going to cost me my job."

"We're hiring. Want an application?"

"No!"

"You get free coffee if you work here."

"I don't want free coffee."

"What do you want, then?"

"Coffee. Like I said before. Just a plain old cup of coffee."

"I just offered you free coffee."

"I don't want free coffee."

"You'd rather pay?"

"No, but I don't want to work here in order to get it."

"Fine. I'll get you the coffee. That'll be $1.50."

"OK."

"Need a receipt?"

"No, keep the change."

"Thanks. Those extra 50 cents will put my kids through college."

"I'm more worried about my own kids."

"Would you like to buy some health insurance? A burial policy for yourself? Would you like to save some money on car insurance?"

"No, just the coffee. Please."

"It's still brewing."

"I changed my mind. I don't want anything. I just want to get out of here."

"Please pull forward then."

"I can't pull forward. There are cars blocking my path."

"I apologize for the delay. When you get to the window, we will give you a coupon good for a free cup of coffee on your next visit. All you have to do is take a few minutes and fill out our customer-service survey. Have a nice day."

Good night!

2006-02-02T21:28:00.000-06:00

Swallow Before You Read This

From the over fed mind of Rob at Over Fed Mind:

Blogs are like farts.....
You can't force it, or you end up with shit.

Yep. Now that I've stopped laughing and cleaned up the milk that I just spit all over the keyboard, I couldn't agree more.

(Ok, Who ever is feeding Rob's mind, please stop! I can't afford new computer hardware right now.)

2006-02-01T22:01:00.000-06:00

I Love Capitalism

For about a year now I have been selling books on Amazon... Everything from textbooks to dictionarys to classics to fiction.

Perhaps there is something on there you would like to buy, thus making me that much richer.

Go ahead! Take a look!

Or if you'd rather, skip all of the bullshit and just cut me a check for nothing...

2006-01-31T20:23:00.000-06:00

Positive Thinking

I have asthma.

I've had it since I was a little kid. I had terrible fits as a child and I vividly remember a couple of scary instances when I was rushed off to the emergency room because I couldn't seem to get any breath.

I was medicated for it; I still remember the taste of that crap to this day. It was a terrible green medicine in liquid form that I hated to take because it tasted something awful. Of course not taking it wasn't an option, and as any good mother would do, my mom would always get me to drink it.

Like I said, it tasted awful but it sure did help me to get my breathing back.

When I was about 12 or so my asthma went away. Gradually I didn't have any attacks anymore, and it eventually worked itself out of my system. I enjoyed my teenage years and my twenties asthma free, and basically forgot that I ever had it - until about 5 years ago. Then one night in the middle of the winter I woke up wheezing for breath, and it started all over again.

Now every winter I get the symptoms... I've been prescribed all kinds of things these last few years: Albuterol, Advair, Flovent... and though it seems to have effective control for awhile, I always seem to grow immune to the prescribed medication. So it seems that the doctors are always trying something new.

This year I was prescribed a generic form of Pseudoefedrin... Which keeps my nose from running. However it doesn't do much to keep me from wheezing.

I write this, because today was the first day that I've taken it. It's not that big of a deal, I guess. It is legal speed, afterall. It doesn't do much for wheezing, but I haven't been tired since this morning when I took the dose.

And then of course...

Today it was my turn to take a random drug test for work. Because I have a CDL lisence I am succeseptible to these tests and I knew that any month now it would probably be my turn. So I wasn't alarmed or anything when I was told to go to the testing site and I didn't give it a second thought. In fact I was eager to take it and get it over with so that I could get on with the rest of my workday.

I continued not to have any second thoughts until about an hour later when I pissed into the cup. My urine was the color of bright orange.

When I handed the cup to the lady who administered the testing, she gave me a look like Oh yeah... That's some druggie urine if there ever was any.

It was so orange and contaminated looking that I too was taken by surprise. Just holding it and knowing that it was mine gave me an unwarranted sense of guilt. I would have given me that look too if I'd been that lady.

"Oh," I said, "I am taking psedoefedrin to treat my asthma... I have the prescription out in my truck."

"Oh you don't need to bring it in," she said. "This is just a collection site. We don't do any actual testing here ourselves. We send them off to be tested." Then after a pause she added," But keep that prescription handy. If the doctor who does the testing has any questions he'll give you a call."

"Well I can guarantee that it's contaminated.... All legally of course... I haven't seen pee that color... Ever!"

She laughed and re- assured me that he'd call if he had any questions. Then she had me initial the bottle of my urine to show verification that it was actually mine. She told me that it would be Fed-exed later in the afternoon and the results would be available in a couple of days.

And then one more time she said, "He'll call you if there are any questions."

Suddenly I was free to go.

I went out to my truck, found that prescription bottle and immediately wrote down all of the information from the bottle onto the back of the receipt that she had given me. Then I tucked it away into my wallet where it will stay until probably tomorrow or Thursday...

When I 'll be getting a phone call from a doctor whom I've never met, whom I'm guessing will have a question or two to ask me about a positive drug test...

2006-01-27T20:36:00.000-06:00

It's Always Strange...

When computer programs know things about me that I didn't know...

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Gooseneck!

Gooseneck can be found on a Cluedo board between the Library and the Conservatory.
Originally, gooseneck could not fly!
Gooseneck will often glow under UV light!
Bees visit over three million flowers to make a single kilogram of gooseneck.
Gooseneck is worth his weight in gold - literally.
The Eskimos have over fifty words for gooseneck.
The colour of gooseneck is no indication of his spiciness, but size usually is.
The Aztec Indians of Mexico believed gooseneck would protect them from physical harm, and so warriors used him to decorate their battle shields.
The Vikings believed that the Northern lights were caused by gooseneck as he rode out to collect warriors slain in battle.
Gooseneck is the world's largest rodent!

Just because Tommy kept it out there dangling like a carrot on a string... Who got it from Eric... Who got it from somebody else... and so forth...

2006-01-25T20:49:00.000-06:00

Polar Bare

I went polar dipping last week.

My friend Lee has a pond with a long dock. He also has a patio hot tub... Which gives any thought of doing this crazy activity credence... And in that hot tub, a nifty floating serving tray that carries an endless supply of Hussong's Tequila. The pond had been partially cleared of it's ice, and made for a nice pool to jump into from the dock. It was about 7 or 8 strokes to shore from the point of impact, and yes the water was as cold as hell.

But it was fun...

Nothing says exhiliration like a full body submersion into an icy pond followed by a giggling trot back to a frothing hot tub. A couple of shots of tequila... And the routine is repeated over and over again.

The geese that sat out on the frozen ice stared at us as if they wished that their portion of the frosty pond was also cleared of ice. Sitting next to a busy highway, the pond also had alot of drive by traffic, and many honks greeted us as we jumped off of the dock. From the geese and the cars.

On one hand Lee is a maniac. On the other he is a a cultural icon, at least to me. Older, he is a retired farmer who is living out his retirement Jimmy Buffet style - and that is not an easy thing to do while living in Central Iowa... Especially in the middle of January. But he manages to pull it off. He lives in a ranch style house on a private acerage. If you go back a year or two and look at your Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, you will see that some of the snapshots of Marisa Miller, like the one below, were taken on farmland near Perry Iowa. That's Lee's farm. Of course then it was summer, and you can imagine the smell of hay in the soft summer breeze as the beautiful model poses in the Iowa sun.

The polar dipping thing is relatively new to me; this was my second year, but it is a long standing tradition for Lee and a couple of his buddies. They have been doing it for years, usually about the second week of February. Last year we did it on March 1st... A little late by their standards but still plenty early by mine. The pond was very icy and cold last year in March, I embraced their tradition with vigor and shattered their record of 15 dips. (My friend Ben and I did 20... Lee quit after 14.) So naturally we were invited back this year, and they decided to do it earlier than ever; in January.

This year the record wasn't an issue... Nobody was anxious to challenge it. I was content to sit in the hot tub, especially with 5 bottles of Hussong's at my disposal. (I only needed one, believe me.) We dipped 4 or 5 times, a minimal amount by our standards, but we more than made up for it by consuming beer and tequila.

It was agreat day. There is nothing more healthy than a good ol plunge into an icy pond, and nothing more satisfying either. Ben and I capped the day off at sunset by running along the pond buck naked and scaring hundreds of geese into unwanted flight.

What a great way to end a great afternoon.

2006-01-24T18:35:00.000-06:00

Alright. Here it is... My life in black and white. This is my new template of choice, and I must say that the choices given to me were none to extravagant. I liked this one the best, I guess... The diamond in the rough.

Goodbye retro look... Hello modern age.

One problem: I have lost all of my links. In fact I lost my entire sidebar. Though it will be a work in progress, I hope to get all of you back on the sidebar eventually, along with the other links... Plus who knows what other little quirks I'll come across.

(Does anybody know how to get my sidebar up at the top of this page as opposed to being all the way down at the bottom?)

Along with the template, there will probably be a formatical change... I hope to enrichen your souls with more writing - I don't know if serious is a pliable word here - but less spontaenity at any rate. The best writing comes from deep within, not off of the top of my head. If you know me, you know there isn't much up there on top of my head anyway. At least not any more. From those of you whom with I've discussed this, my stories are the pinacle of what I publish. I'll take that to heart and provide more story content and a lot less psychobabble.

Thanks for stopping by these last few years. I've enjoyed having you. If you are a regular reader and you don't see your link on here, leave me a message. I've lost all that information, and I'd like to get you back on.

I hope that you enjoy the new direction that Gooseneck is going to take.

2006-01-20T23:12:00.000-06:00

Mother's Little Helper

Seperated at birth?

While driving down the interstate today I saw a Phillips 66 logo on an interstate fuel sign. For a split second, I thought it was the Rolling Stones logo... Before it registered as the Phillips 66 logo.

Thus the topic for this post.

(It was an obvious comparison this morning...Now I really have to look hard to see it.)

2006-01-18T21:39:00.000-06:00

Cha Cha Changes

Sorry.

The previous post was written in a different context then what was meant to be conveyed. Thanks to my 6 faithful readers who expressed concern for my wanting to leave. However, I didn't necessarily mean I was leaving.

While admittedly bored, I couldn't quit Gooseneck. I am however looking to change it's format... I need a change to fire me up.

The problem is, I don't know how to do it.

If anybody is good at that sort of thing, and might want to take a crack at it,leave me a message or send me an email. I already have a couple of you in mind, but I guess I'd like to see what is offered first, if anything.

I have absolutely no experience in desinging web pages... So I am as green as that left column. Any knowledge, help or support would be very much appreciated.

A change would really do me good.

2006-01-11T21:16:00.000-06:00

Estimated Prophet

This blog is broken. Just look at it.

Colors out of place... Like the red streak above the pic of Dale Gribble... What is that? I don't know how to fix it. And frankly I'm getting bored.

The end is near, my friends. The end is near.

2006-01-10T19:50:00.000-06:00

Bon Voyage

The Hawspipe has sailed it's final voyage.

This is a travesty to the blog kingdom. Hawspipe was the quinscentenile American blog. Based off an undying support of the United States and all that it encompassed.... It's colors, it's military, and it's president... With a sharp wit and a lethal dose of cultural intelligence it was a relentless assault on the feeble minded left. While I certainly do not agree with all of Hawspipe's politics, as an openly active basher of all things feeble, I can certainly relate to his agressive demeanor.

You see, it's the feeble who are gravitizing the apocalypse.

I've known Haws for a long time. We became friends in junior high. I've had good times, bad times, fast times, rough times, hard times and crazy times with Haws.

Times that were incredible and unbelievable... Impossible and unstoppable. Times I want to forget. And times I can't remember.

I've had times with Haws that I will never talk about because it would be treasonous to do so. And that being said, it's with his permission that I am even writing this post.

You see Haws left for a reason... He just didn't know it yet.

We've all been there... At the end of our blog. I feel like I am close myself, but like a suicidal tendency with too much to live for I just haven't been able pull the trigger. Haws finally pulled his trigger. It's something he's hinted at doing for quite some time.

It suddenly must have felt like the right time...

Ironically, maybe it was.

The very next day, Haws got a call. It was about a job he had interviewed for. It was a call to tell him that the job was his if he wanted it... And it starts in a couple of weeks...

By the way, the job is in Washington D. C.

It was a chance of a lifetime, a job to end all job searches. It was a career... With all the career benefits one could expect having graduated with a law degree from a prestigious Chicago law school.... One that would take him to his promised land... The capitol of his America... His shining destiny.

Of course Haws said he'd take it.

And with that another chapter of his life has begun, with the efficiency that closed the previous.

It's not feasible for me to pack up my family and move to D.C. with Haws, so I guess I'm going to miss him around here.

It'll be strange not having him close by to hound for convenient legal advice or to request his presence at a bar somewhere to catch a game.

There won't be many more Saturday night trips to my house for intellectual conversation and beers, nor will there be summer afternoons at the ball park in Des Moines for much of the same.

Maybe the Hawspipe has not left us. Afterall, his archives alone could keep a reader busy for hours. Four years is a long time to play this game... Like Alan Sullivan wrote in Haws's comments, "...It takes a design freak to stay in this game... Or else just a freak, like, er, all those other guys."

Looks like Haws will be getting his freak on somewhere else. His fourth of July just got alot better. His instincts, sharp as ever, knew it was time to bail. And unsuprisingly,they were right. The Hawspipe is sailing toward sunnier shores. Meanwhile we other guys will just hang around for awhile and try to maintain.

Happy sailing Haws... And congratulations. You certainly will be missed. Not just in the blog world, but the real one too.

2006-01-05T19:33:00.000-06:00

The Latest Buzz

Have you seen the commercials for the new Glade product, Wisp?

It's a new product... At least I think it is... It's an air freshener that shoots a little aroma cloud into the room at programed intervals. It looks kind of like a fog when it comes out or an emision of smoke. Glade's internet ad calls it a puff.

Wherever you need a puff... Glade Wisp Home Fragrancer Puffs!

I thought that I was puffing something when I saw the commercial... It's quite psychedelic... Very reminding of what a fart might look like if methane gas wasn't invisible. I saw it today while watching segments of The Price is Right.

It gave me a great idea.

What if, instead of a product called Wisp, it was a product called Wasp? Of course there wouldn't be a cloud of aromatic smoke wisping out of the device, but instead an angry swarm of pain inducing flying insects. It would be a great prank to play on unsuspecting friends.

What's this Goose?

Uh, go ahead Hank, push the button! I'll be outside in the screened porch!...

Or better yet, put it in the bathroom as an air freshener, say on top of the toilet. Of course you'll know better. But Hank won't. It'll be sweet revenge for those inconsiderate friends who come over and use your bathroom... And leave a big foul mess. In most cases they'll be caught with their pants down.

Those poor inconsiderate fuckers will never shit stain your porcelain throne again.

Wasp. Wherever a buzz is needed.

2006-01-04T17:51:00.000-06:00

First Beer of the Year

Aaaahhh! The first beer of the new year.

I just cracked it open, and took a long swaller. It taste just as good as it did last year. On New Year's Eve I pretty much quit drinking at 11:00. I must have started too early... I don't know. But like the husband of last year's runaway bride, my efforts to carry on were rejected. I mixed myself a bloody Mary around 2:30 Saturday afternoon, and was in bed as early as 1:00 AM... As soon as I kicked the last guest out of my house.

I apologize for my lack of blogging. If it wasn't for True or False Friday, this blog might not even exist anymore. I've noticed alot of bloggers have been posting less and less... One of the trends from 2005? Even Boz, the Cal Ripken of the blogging kingdom... whom never comes around here anymore by the way... missed a day or two towards the end of last year. Forklift hasn't said much lately... Neither has Marci.

Blogging is weird. I have been in discussion with Tommy about this... Blogging seems to legitimize online relationships... As opposed to chat lines and such.

I feel like I know a whole lot of people from all over this great land, but yet in reality, I don't really know very many of you at all... At least in a physical sense. But I think that that is the beauty of it.

I don't know you... But yet I do, because I keep up with your lives via this blogging machine. It's like being blind at a family reunion... We feel the kindred spirit, but we wouldn't recognize eachother on the street.

That being said, I think of many of you as legitimate friends. I received real mail Christmas cards from a couple of you, Tommy and Rebel Leady Boy. That's cool as hell.

I'd open the envelope and say to my wife, "Oh cool. We just got a card from Big Stupid Tommy (or Nacho Johnnie)"

"Really?" she'd ask. "That is really cool." Then she'd say, "We should send them one." And then I'd say, "Well you know how we are with Christmas cards."

My wife and I are pieces of shit when it comes to sending Christmas cards. We never get them out on time, and we never send them to everybody that we feel should get one. In fact, many of our relatives are probably just getting theirs now. And if you wanted one but didn't get it... Sorry. I'll try to do better next year. Frankly, we are just too lazy. Or something.

But back to my point, the blog world does legitimize friendships, and I am thankful for the ones that I have via Gooseneck. I appreciate knowing that you all stop in once in a while, like Ginny, Eric and Verbal... It's really good to have you.

Well, that was the last of that beer. And this is probably as good a place as any to end this post.

Happy New Year to all of you... And thanks for the friendship. This next beer is for you... But let's share one together in 2006.

2006-01-02T23:11:00.000-06:00

The Monday Reveal... New Year Style

Hope your martini glass isn't dry yet...

The answer to the latest True or False Friday is: TRUE.

At least it is according to my source for such bric brac... Uncle John's Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader. Yep I discovered that amazing tidbit of info while dropping the kids off at the pool.

Looks like I got some scores to add up, from this week and last.

Hope that everybody had a safe and happy New Year's celebration... And here's to getting our kicks in 2006!

2005-12-30T20:19:00.000-06:00

True or False Friday

Yep, it's that time again kids... The weekend is here and we all know what that means. It 's time for another rendition of True or false Friday.

Is this true?: Parker Brothers has said that for over 60 years it has misspelled Marven Gardens as Marvin Gardens on the popular Monopoly board game. When confronted about changing it Parker Brothers said that correcting the error would be too costly.

There you go...

True or False?

2005-12-26T12:41:00.000-06:00

The Monday Reveal

The truth is as simple as the posed statement. The statement of course was, I love limburger cheese.

And the truth is: No. I do not like limburger cheese.

Limburger cheese is for grandpa types... And I am not yet a grandpa type. And even when I am a grandpa I will probably shy away from limburger, as well as head cheese. The mere thought of ingesting it makes me want to squirm.

But thanks for playing!

Haws, Chris from Verbal Jazz, and Todd gave the right response. Way to go, guys! Everybody else missed the boat.

The overall scores will be posted soon.

2005-12-23T16:19:00.000-06:00

True or False Friday: Eve of Christmas Eve edition

In the spirit of the holidays I plan to feast off of of cheese trays all weekend long. So, here's your True or False Friday: I love limburger cheese.

That's it. it's that simple.

Now play!

2005-12-21T09:05:00.000-06:00

Obesity: Not just for fat People Anymore

I found out just how fat I am at this stupid site, where a computer takes your height and your weight and calculates your body mass index (BMI).

My result said Obese. I wasn't ready for that.

I had a small inkling that my stomach area has some girth to it, but I never thought for a second that I'd tip the scales to the level of obesity. Afterall, isn't obese a word that is generally attributed to really really really fat people? Like the mama on What's Eatin' Gilbert Grape?

I have a mid section that could rival the perimeter of the moon but I don't have other obese features, such as dangling jowels, bags swinging under my armpits, or monstrous legs. I've seen obese people.

I've made fun of them.

And now I are one.

That stupid thing can't be right. I am not obese. That BMI machine is as liberal as Teddy Kennedy at a Planned Parenthood beer tent.

Someone needs to tighten a couple of bolts on that thing.

2005-12-20T17:46:00.000-06:00

Chad

Chad doesn't really seem to fit in with the rest of the African countries. There's Niger, Sudan, Libya, Zaire... And there's Chad.

Chad.

Now how do you suppose that country came to be called Chad?

I knew a guy named Chad and he was a very likable guy. He used to let me come over to his house and play his Atari system, back when Atari was king. I'd sit in his room for hours at a time, sometimes alone... While he did other things... Playing Missle Command and Pitfall. His mother would sometimes bring me cookies and milk. She never seemed to mind that I had overtaken her son's video game console. She never seemed to mind that I was in her son's room all by myself.

Chad moved away when I was about 14. I have not seen him since. But I have met a few other people named Chad since then, and they too are very likable. Much like I would assume the country to be.

Chad that is.

You never hear about Chad building nuclear weapons. It is never suspected of harboring international fugitives, and Chad never wages war on it's neighboring countries.

In fact, if I didn't have a giant world map hanging on my wall, I might have never known that Chad existed. But there it is, right in the middle of the hostile northern region of the African continent. It just sits there idly, minding it's own business, a beacon of light in a dark desert.

Chad rocks. The man and the country. The next time I drink a beer, I'm going to drink a taoast to Chad.

2005-12-20T17:39:00.000-06:00

As it Stands Right Now...

...Here is the scoreboard for True or False Friday.

1. Haws 2 points.
2. Robbie 1.5 points.

Then a two way tie for third:

Nate from Bakersfield and Turf. Each has one point.

Nobody else is on the board, so be sure to play this week.

2005-12-20T10:02:00.000-06:00

Give Him a Sandwhich dept.

The following has not been proven:

Manute Bol, the 9'5" 100 pound ex NBA sideshow freak has a little brother who is somewhat younger than him. And I use little in a literal sense. At his high school graduation Manute's little brother only stood 2'3" tall.

That's quite the contrast to Manute, the gangly poster child of anorexic giants.

You might be wondering what this little brother's name is.

It's Mi-nute Bol, of course.

2005-12-20T09:07:00.000-06:00

Drum Roll Please

Because you are dying to know...

The answer to True or False Friday will now be revealed... A day later than I promised ... Because I wanted to let the suspense build up.

Because I know that each one of you is aching to know the answer... Because you were up all Sunday night and perhaps even last night in a fit of insomnia because, like a kid on Christmas eve, you anticipated my answer with grand hopes of getting on the score sheet. It burned at you so much that you couldn't sleep. The long wait in conjunction with your ever growing anxiety took all that you had, these last couple of days, didn't it? There's not much left is there?

That's good.

That is what True or False Friday is all about.

In only it's second week it's already taking the nation by storm... Kids in grade school are being interupted in class by teachers who want to share this new sensation with them, to share this moment... A locked in memory that will stay with these kids for the rest of their lives. It's the main topic at all of the water coolers and copy machines today. It's all the rage at the skate parks in southern California.

True or False Friday is already at epic proportions here in the states, and it's fever is spreading internationally, and in probability will even infiltrate the communist walls of China and Cuba.

Even that far off place where only natives with bones through their noses live is succeptible to this phenonomen. And nobody knows where that is, because civilized man has never been there.

But True or False Friday has.

It must have been through vibrations in the tree trunks. Or maybe the animals tipped them off... Because this race of people, the ones with the bones in their noses, is a sub speicies of human and has learned that biblical trade of communicating with animals.

Or, to put it more accurately, they have never forgotten it.

I know that this sensation is taking over the world. I know that natives and communists, and skaters and office workers have used this marvelous event as a bond... To celebrate it as a world event because... Well, it is that big.

I know this.

BECAUSE A WHOPPING FIVE PEOPLE PLAYED THIS TIME!

Alright, the results:

Al, you lose. No points.

Robby, Turf and Nate in Bakersfield each got their name on the board. They each have one point.

Haws, steered by raw intuition, takes an early lead while gaining another point, bringing his total to 2.

I know it's early, but at this juncture in the season, Haws has a chance to go undefeated. And nobody has done that since the '72 Dolphins.

Ginny, who played last week, declined to play. As did Sandra.

I think that it is safe to say that True or False Friday is a male dominated event. And girls, if you disagree with me, get in there and play!

My mother made me wear red tights to school when I was in the kindergarten. For our Christmas program we were supposed to dress up like elves, and mama got a little carried away with her costume ideas. I wore tights, and much to my horror, nobody else did. Not even the girls. Everybody had on red stockings and I had on tights. No wonder I had ADD.

And that is the answer to last week's edition of TRUE OR FALSE FRIDAY.

It's amazing I had any friends at all, huh?

UPDATE: While we are on the subject of communicating with animals, it looks like Tommy has been having conversations with his dog again.

2005-12-17T23:44:00.000-06:00

Monsters Inc.

The wife and I saw King Kong tonight. We both liked it... But I felt that it wasn't quite as realistic looking as the original. Nor was the acting as good.

Ok...

That's not true. I never saw the original.

I did see Godzilla Vs. Megatron, though when I was about 8. It was a Saturday matinee and I think I watched it by myself. I kinda remember my mom dropping me off at the theatre and then picking me up after the movie. The movie was very badly made, but had a great story.

I liked it too, I think.

I spent alot of time alone when I was a kid. Probably because I was into weird shit like Godzilla and Megatron.

King Kong is actually a pretty slow movie. It's long and drawn out.

However, it contains scenes that will not only surprise you, but will also tweak your interest enough to more than make up for the scenes that drag.

Never mind the ridiculous story and the impossible script. They totally blow. It's the visual effects that make this a great movie and one worth seeing.

Actually just the opposite of The Godzilla movies...

2005-12-17T19:29:00.000-06:00

I Hate Football

Buried right next to their defense.

2005-12-16T22:58:00.000-06:00

Just in Case

Somebody out there doesn't know what to get me for Christmas, you might look here. I'd like to have about a half dozen of these:

It even comes with stamps on the bottom of his feet and comes with a stamp pad so you can leave mysterious footprints on letters or other fun places. And it's style is that to resemble part of that famous Patterson/Gimlin footage that was taken at Bluff Creek in 1967!

Yep. I want nothing else.

2005-12-16T20:14:00.000-06:00

Change of Plans

I went to the high school tonight to announce the basketball game, but the game had been cancelled. Apparently the weather is bad up north, and the opponents' team bus wasn't permitted on the highways.

This is terribly disappointing. I was in the ZONE, man.

All this cold weather has got me thinking about penguins. And it occured to me that even though the March of the Penguins has to be the most boring movie ever, the book would be even more so. Doncha think?

Reading that book would be the equivilent of listening to a tennis match on the radio.

I might get out and do a little Christmas shopping tonight... I picked up a book for a friend yesterday... Or a relative... I won't tell... And I had to go downtown in Des Moines to the Des Moines Register headquarters to get it. (It wasn't the March of the Penguins.)

I had to go to the Des Moines Register library to buy it , and had to walk through the newsroom to get there.

The newsroom was like a scene from Fletch.

Exactly like a scene from Fletch. If Chevy Chase had poked his head over a cubicle, it wouldn't have surprised me at all. If he had accidently bumped into me and introduced himself as G. Gordon Liddy, it wouldn't have fazed me.

What energy! All of the reporters were in their respective cubicles, typing frantically on their computers to meet their deadlines, each cubicle decorated with each reporter's personality. Some were all cutesy with pictures of dogs and kittens, and others were more extreme with rock and roll posters and such. One guy had a Perfect Circle poster above his cubicle.

I want to work there. In that newsroom. With Fletch. For the first time in my life I know exactly what I want to do. I want to write for a major newspaper and work in a busy newsroom.

Anyway, that's all. Please play True or False Friday if you haven't already. Have a great and safe weekend.

2005-12-16T19:09:00.000-06:00

True or False Friday

Once my mother forced me to wear red tights to school.

Think that's true? Or just me yanking your chain?... Tune in on Monday to find out!

Here is a recap of last week's scoring:

Haws: 1 point.
Ginny: 0 points.
Sandra: 0 points.

Oh yeah, and Robby said "cooter." He gets a half point for that.

This is your chance to get on the score board. It's free to play, and there might even be some prizes awarded... So play this weekend!

2005-12-13T22:12:00.000-06:00

Check!... Check!... Check me out!

Well as it turns out the home crowd is a little bit conservative. And by a little, I mean ALOT. But I got through my first night as the public address announcer for the high school basketball team.

I didn't get booed, which I suppose is a good thing... But I swear that when I yelled LETS GET LOUD! into the Mic, the crowd actually got quieter. And I don't think too many of the older people in the bleachers liked it when I quipped, "Johnson... from the court house lawn... GOOD!"

The lingo was probably a little bit too loose for their taste. They're used to the mundane voice in the background, the one that virtually goes unnoticed despite it's broadcast through a public address system. Simple and smooth, the mundane announcer doesn't take the attention away from the game... More than one blue haired member of the booster club shot me a sharp look.

After a halftime show of absolutely nothing, not even a cheerleader performance, I mused, "That blistering halftime show was brought to you by silence!"

Again, a comment met with sharp looks and a fazed crowd reaction.

Maybe I'm not the man for the job.

It doesn't really pay all that well, so it's not like I'd miss the paycheck. However, It does get me into exciting boys' high school varsity basketball games for free. And who knows, maybe the crowd will get used to me. There's plenty of things I didn't say, that I was tempted to, like "That Thomas kid reminds me of a black Steve Nash!" , and at halftime, "Check out Betty Jean and her brand new whore boots!"

The next game is Friday night. I'd love to see you there.

2005-12-12T17:50:00.000-06:00

Monday's Moment of Truth

Well I'm sure you are all tuning in to see what the final verdict is from True or False Friday. In the inaugural episode I made the casual statement, Once I stood so close to Cher, that I could have smelled her armpits.

But is it true?

Well, yes... And no.

It is true that I once stood just a few feet away from the mega- diva Cher. But I probably wasn't close enough to her to get a whiff of her armpits. So I guess the answer is no... Which only Haws got right.

So if you are scoring at home; Haws has one point, and Ginny has zero. Since Sandra didn't really give an answer, she also is scoreless.

Robby... Well, he didn't even give a guess. Instead he said that he wished that I'd said that I was close enough to Cher that... "I could have smelled her cooter."

Nice, Robby.

So Haws is the points leader with one. He said, "I'm going to guess not true, only because I've never heard this story before."

Haws clearly has an advantage in True or False Friday, the new internet sensation that will be sweeping the nation, born right here on Gooseneck... As my attorney and spiritual advisor, he arguably knows me better than anyone else who reads this blog.

Ironically enough though Haws, I do believe that I did tell this story to you... I was afterall living with you in Chicago at the time... The fall of '98... I ran into Cher downtown at the brand new Virgin Records store which had just opened on Michigan Avenue. It was the grand opening, I believe.

Actually, in retrospect, I think you were out of it at the time... With a case of pneumonia. So I guess it's forgivable if you don't remember.

Here is a photo I snapped that day....

As one can clearly see, I am not close enough to her to get a sniff of her underarms.

Nor Robby, was I close enough to her to catch the scent of her "cooter," in case you are wondering.

Not that I'd want to inhale that aroma. I imagine that it still smells like Sonny...

And yes, I'm perfectly aware that he is dead.

2005-12-11T13:27:00.000-06:00

Iowa Vice

About an hour ago I found a bag of sunflower seeds hidden away in the kitchen cupboard. Naturally, I opened the bag and had one.

Then I ate another.

And then another.

The truth of the matter is, I have now eaten almost half of the bag, non-stop. And it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to stop any time soon. The bag of seeds gets smaller and smaller, while the pile of shells next to me gets bigger and bigger. (Not to mention the occasional few that have fallen to the floor and into the cracks of my couch.)

Sunflower seeds are like crack cocaine to me, who um... Doesn't use crack cocaine. I can't remember ever jonsein for anything like this before... It's like an evil claw that has me in it's grasp and won't let go!

But seriously...

God help us all when I eventually run out.

2005-12-09T18:36:00.000-06:00

True or False Friday

Once I stood so close to Cher, that I could have smelled her armpits.

Toss that one around in your mind for awhile... And tell me if you think it is a true statement or just me pulling your chain.

The truth will be told on Monday.

2005-12-04T20:21:00.000-06:00

Eulogies Anyone?

Tombstone Generator

2005-12-03T09:42:00.000-06:00

Smells Like Team Spirit

If you're in the midwest and you smell shit this weekend there's no need to rush for the toilet paper. The ~~Asses~~ Donkeys are coming to Arrowhead on Sunday for a pivitol battle with the CHIEFS. In the spirit of Christmas, the CHIEFS will be in a giving the gift of pain, providing the donkeys with everything that they can handle and more.

This game matches together two teams that one might say, well... Don't really like eachother.

Both teams are coming off of winning streaks, and the game has serious playoff implications. The Donkeys are riding a four game winning streak into Arrowhead and hold the second best record in the AFC. The CHIEFS will be going for their third straight, and have the comfort of playing in front of the home crowd in Arrowhead, a place that traditionally sends the donkeys home with a severe whipping.

From the CHIEFSWARPATH website:

While both squads would appear to have plenty of momentum heading into this contest, Kansas City has enjoyed a decided advantage against the Broncos at Arrowhead. Since Mike Shanahan took over as Denver’s head coach in ‘95, the Chiefs own an 8-2 regular season record at Arrowhead against his teams, including a 5-1 mark against Shanahan-coached squads that went on to reach the playoffs. In fact, the Broncos have had four winning streaks of three games or longer snapped at Arrowhead during Shanahan’s tenure.

The CHIEFS will be up for this game. They are playing with a fire and an intensity that will be tough to overcome. The defense once again resembles the CHIEFS defenses of old, and is playing lights out. They are fifth in the NFL against the run and have made major improvements on the pass routes.

Maybe Arrowhead could be dubbed the Wood Shed this weekend. The CHIEFS promise to be gracious hosts, dishing out pain like napkins at a chicken wing eating contest.

Nobody in the NFL has a better tradition than the CHIEFS. And nothing says tradition like the CHIEFS annual hospitable holiday ASS WHIPPING.

Oh, and that smell? It should be gone by Monday morning.

2005-12-02T15:27:00.000-06:00

I Should Have Worked Today

I've got nothing better to do right now so I'm going to blog.

This easily could have been one of those days where I posted 6 - 8 times. But I've been fighting myself to control that urge because frankly if I'm throwing up 6 - 8 post in one day I probably have a whole lot of nothing to say... It's not like my life is connected to the AP wire... I don't have to give to you every single random thought and act of my civilized life.

Ok, that's probably stretching it... I'm not sure civilized is the correct word in this situation... Because If I'm living a civilized life, then I'm fooling everybody... Including myself.

See there I go again, throwing out random thoughts as if ya' all really care what's buzzing through my head at any given second... I just blasted bloggers who do this, and then did it myself.

It's just that the word civilized flows so well between the words my and life.

Damn! there I did it again! I'm a real bastard, you know that?

I was talking to the mailman today about the same mindless stuff that you all talk to your mailman about... The weather, and in response to something I said, he replied, "I don't know what to think."

I said, "Really? You have control of that?"

I never know what I'm going to think, but I certainly don't have the power to control my thought processes and keep new random thoughts from jumping into my brainflow. It's not like I can be choosy and determine each thought before I actually think it. It comes automatically as if driven by a magical force on a thought wave conveyor belt. I certainly have no control of what I'm going to think next.

But apparently my mailman does.

It's a shame he's a mailman... With powers like that he should be president or something. He's a damn good mailman. I guess it doesn't necessarily mean that he'd be a good president. But with the power to control what he's actually going to think, he'd be a good candidate for the job.

But that's not what I sat down to blog about today.

And whatever it was is gone now... so I guess this particular post is worth zero points.

2005-12-02T08:10:00.000-06:00

Mysterious Afliction

I woke up this morning with that stupid Chicken Dance song in my head. No reason for it, it just came out of nowhere. I don't believe it came from out of a dream, and I honestly haven't even heard that song since July at a wedding reception. But nonetheless, there it is...

Da-na-na-na... Da-na-na-na... Da-na-na-na...Da-na-na-na... Da-na-na-na... Da-na-na-na... Da-na-na-na! (OK, a little faster now!)

So now what? Am I supposed to go to work and kill rodents, insects and spiders with that creepy little jingle going off in the background of my entire day? And what about tomorrow... There's no guarantee that I'll be better by then.

I think I had better take the day off and stay indoors. Maybe play some loud Iron Maiden or Judas Priest to act as a mental anti-biotic and offer me some therapeutic hope. Sometimes these strange little aflictions aren't the 24 hour type and they'll stick around for days. I better nip it in the bud now while it's still in it's early stages.

Once back in '93 I had the song YMCA by the Village People in my head for a straight week. It greeted me every morning at wake up and followed me into sleep. Then, 6 days later, like it was never there it was gone... And I was able to resume with my life. I call it the '93 Incident. I can't afford another episode like that. Not with my busy job and the holidays coming up.

And I'm not even going to mention the summer of '78 when the chorus to Dr. Love by Kiss stayed with me for over a month... I still feel the effects of that... And cringe everytime I happen to hear that song today.

Da-na-na-na... Da-na-na-na...

Oh No! I gotta go and take care of this. Talk atcha all later!

2005-12-01T22:39:00.000-06:00

Lets Get Ready to Rumble

I got a part time job today, much to my own amusement.

I will be the public address announcer for the high school boys' varsity basketball team this fall... And no, I do not have any experience in broadcasting... Unless you consider the speeches I had to give back in high school to get elected to the student council.... Which certainly do not count because those speeches were given in jest, more like a comedy routine than an election speech... And it wasn't on a public address system that disseminates to a majority adult crowd... Some of whom probably have a lot at stake in the basketball program and also in the community at large...

So basically what I am saying is, when I take the mike on Dec. 13th at the first varsity home game I'll have a pretty good chance of making a complete fool out of myself.

I'm still wondering how I got this job... It happenend today like a hit and run accident.

I was driving between mouse kills when my phone rang and it wasn't a number that I recognized. Nonetheless, I answered it and a man's voice came on the line, introduced himself to me and asked me if I was still interested in the public address announcer job.

(Now, to backtrack just a bit... I did actually call about the position but it was like three weeks ago. AND I kind of did it on a personal dare to myself knowing damn well that there was no way that I would EVER be hired for it.)

The whole phone conversation went like this:

Hi, this is Joe Schmo, the atheletic director of the high school. Are you still interested in being a public address announcer for the boys varsity basketball games?

(Taken by surprise) Uh, yes. I am interested.

Good! Can you be in my office tomorrow morning?

For an interview?

No, for a schedule. The job is yours.

So Yeah. My life is about to get extremely interesting.

2005-11-28T21:41:00.000-06:00

Kansas City

Just got back today from Kansas City.

We went down and got jiggy with the Chiefs and watched as they made mince meat of the defending Super Bowl champions.

We had an awesome time and apparently got some killer photos. I'll pass some of them on when I get them. We met some fans from New England... They were super cool, and we had a great time tailgating with them. They kept saying how classy the Chiefs fans were, and I kept telling them how classy they were. It was a tailgate made in heaven. They even shared some lobsters that they had flown in and cooked on the grill. It was incredible.

Thanks to my brother and his wife for coming along. We had a BLAST!

Look for more to come about this trip; I'm just too tired to rant about it now.

G'night.

2005-11-25T20:09:00.000-06:00

Muy Mal Cerveza

Is it just me, or do the Corona commercials really suck?

Nobody says a word and nobody drinks a drop. Usually the poople in the commercials just sit there staring out to a beautiful tropical beach or something... Ignoring their ringing cell phones... Then skipping their cell phones across the top of the ocean as they become apparently too annoying...

Or they might just be sitting in a bar somewhere, but always in a tropical paradise... Where the roof of the bar is made from palm leaves and the bar itself is constructed from bamboo poles... Where there's never a hurricane... Or even a wake on the water for that matter.

But the people just sit there silently doing something clever with thier non-consumed bottle of Corona. Like putting it on top of their plane tickets as if they have suddenly become a coaster... Then the camera fades away and Miles from Ordinary magically appears on the bottom of the screen... To the busy din of sea birds.

Miles from Ordinary my ass.

Maybe Inches from Pretentious Fuckheads would be a better slogan.

Because only pretentious fuckheads drink Corona, am I wrong?

No I am not. And they usually drink it with a lime.

"Alright fuckhead, here is the Corona you ordered... "

"Oh, but where is my lime? I can't have a Corona without a slice of lime!"

"What the hell do you need a lime for? You're not gonna drink it anyway... You're just gonna sit it down on top of your plane tickets and stare off into space as your cell phone skips across the top of the ocean... You don't need a lime."

Pretentious fuckheads

I say put me in those commercials. Because I know what Miles from Ordinary really is.

Put me in those commercials with a case of Bud and a fifth of Wild Turkey.... And maybe a couple of friends of my choosing, say Nate from Bakersfield and Shep from Shep's Kulture Corner. And I suppose that Haws should be there too not only for legal representation, but also for moral support. And I suppose that since there will be four of us we had better make that two cases of Bud... And we'll probably need some firearms to scare off those pretentious fuckheads.

The first thing I would do is throw all of the limes into the ocean. Then we'd divide up the guns and start taking firing practice at the full bottles of Corona that are blocking our view of the beautiful ocean paradise. And that should be enough to scare off the undesirables.

If not, I know for a fact that after seven or eight Buds and a few swallers of Wild Turkey, Shep will scare them off. It just comes natural to him.

Then, things might settle down a bit and get back to seemin' normal. Then we could finally get serious about making that commercial.

Now, it wouldn't necessarily be a commercial for Corona, but it certainly would encompass the Miles from Oridinary slogan.

2005-11-23T23:23:00.000-06:00

Thanks for Everything

I'm thankful for friends and family. And Angelina Jolie.

What are you thankful for?

2005-11-22T20:05:00.000-06:00

I'd Name Mine Fluffy.

More Signs of the Apocalypse for sure:

I first saw this at Binsk's blog. It's Genpets... The housepets of the future.

Now, if you are all freaked out already... Hang in there. It gets much worse.

In the Packages As you’ve noticed, each Genpet comes pre-packaged as a fully self-contained unit.This packaging is part of what truly separates the Genpets™ from every other product on the market today. Each package has an embedded microchip that monitors and controls the state of the Genpet while it is asleep waiting for you to take it home. Better yet, it displays the status of the Genpet with a Fresh Strip, as well as a fully working heart monitor in the top right of the package.

Out of the packages, Genpets have limited mobility. Like dolls, puppies or human babies, they must be looked after and cared for. Upon waking the Genpet from its dormant state your child is the first thing that the Genpet will encounter, and it will thus bond or imprint to your child immediately.

The Genpets are pets... The real deal.

Genpets are not toys or robots. They are living, breathing animals. Animals far more high tech than your average cat or dog. Genpets are Bioengineered pets.

I had to read that paragraph a few times. Yep, it did say Bioengineered pets.

Although their mere appearance makes you think that they are perhaps just a fantasy that some kid in Japan came up with to hoax the world, they actually are alive and require a heavy dose of TLC to stay that way. Each pet is derived from the DNA from several different sources including; monkeys, cats, dogs, and a "few others here and there." They live in the packaging in a dormant state intil they are released, and then they grow attached to the person to whom they "wake up" to.

Assuming that it would be a gift for your child, you could pick from several different personalities to suit your child's nature.

Red - Athletic and energetic
Orange - Adventurous, confident and curious
Yellow - Intellectual and easy-going
Green - Helpful, harmonious and peaceful
Blue - Communicative and serene
Indigo- Playful and fun
Violet - Imaginative and spiritual

And it even gets weirder still...

In every single package we have included an easy to use fresh gauge. Four simple blue LED lights display the status of the GenPet™. If it’s been sitting on the store shelf too long, or if the package circuitry has malfunctioned in some way, the gauge will display this. Four blue lights mean that the pet is in pristine freshness, while one illuminated light means that while the GenPet™ is still healthy, it is approaching its expiration date.

This has raised about a million questions for me. Like, What do they taste like? and Will they roam the house at night and secretly scare my children?

The answers to many questions (Not these) can be found here at the FAQ page.

The Genpets are quite a concept. Although they are not available for retail yet, I can see this becoming the next big craze in pet ownership and frankly, it scares me. Have we become a society that has to produce new pets to maximize our enjoyment of household animal speices? Are dogs, cats, and goldfish not enough anymore? Will their popularity override my old theory that chupacabras are the pets of the future?

Like I said, I have a million questions. And I'm sure I'll still be asking them when the skies open up and the apocalypse rains down hard upon us...

God have mercy.

2005-11-21T22:40:00.000-06:00

What in the Wide World of Sports is Going On Here?

What the Fuck

Ever happened to Buddy over at Fucked Sports? About 2 Months ago he signed off saying that he was going fishing... Taking a little vacation.

Well, apparently the fish are biting like crazy, because I haven't seen him since. I tried sending him an email but it came back to me as non-sendable. I REALLY enjoyed his site, so if you see him, steal his can of worms. Maybe he'll return soon.

The Iowa Hawkeyes

Basketball team just upset the number 7 team in the nation, the Kentucky Wildcats. The Hawks are off to their typical great start... Lets hope that this is the year that they maintain it after the holidays and throughout the Big 10 season. With all 5 starters back and healthy, things are looking pretty hopeful in the Hawkeye Nation.

If you are a Hawkeye fan, and I know that most of you could care less, check out Ryan at Hawkeye Hoops. It is one of the most comprehensive sports sites out there, basketball or otherwise. I gave him Kudos last year, and I'm glad to see that he is still at it.

Meanwhile the Hawkeyes will have their hands full tomorrow night in the Guardians Classic final against #2 Texas.

GO HAWKS!

Ram in a Jam

Apparently Bryan Barker, the punter for the St Louis Rams caused some controversy when during half time of yesterday's game against the Cardinals he booted balls during a celebration that was honoring Veterans Day. He came out today and apologized, saying that he was just doing his normal warm up routine. He added, "I certainly don't want any trouble with the Army. "

Good move. I think that if it came down to the Army vs. Bryan Barker, we all know who would win. The ones who have all of the technology... Black Hawk helecopters...Guided missles... Flame throwers...

A measley ol' punter could never hold his own against the Army and their flame throwers.

The total irony of it all is that the Army is all about going the distance... Acheiving victory at any cost...

And Bryan Barker's job as a punter is to give up... Give up the ball and let the other team take the offense.

If we were in Iraq fighting punters instead of terrorists, this war would already be over.

Heh. Punters are funny.

Remember a few years ago when the Rams didn't even need a punter? I don't even think that there was one on their roster! Those days are looooong gone...

2005-11-20T21:14:00.000-06:00

Shout it Out Loud

A couple of shout outs are in order...

The first one is to my lawyer... known to ya all as Hawspipe. He is the one who installed the Dale Gribble scroll over there on the left. Plus, those are actual Dale Gribble quotes scrolling across the bottom there, from episodes of King of the Hill. Thanks Haws. It looks great!

Another shout out is to Jenni... She is a new blogger I have discovered... From the same town that I live in! My aunt is one of her supervisors... How small is this world?

Oh and as it turns out that our birthdays are only one day a part.

Her site, Exploring the Infinite Abyss is pretty new as far as I can tell, but she is very articulate in her writing and has good taste in music. Go ahead and give her site a look over...

One more shout out... To Joe Theisman, Paul MacGuire, and the other moron who sits in the booth and does the ESPN Sunday night game.

Hey Fuckheads! Shut the hell up already! You have no idea what you are talking about... Your knowledge of the Chiefs and even the game of football isn't that of my mother's... And she hardly ever watches the game.

Quit bickering amongst yourselves, quit throwing out your useless (and baseless) opinions, and please just shut the FUCK up!

Man... That felt soooo good.

2005-11-19T22:13:00.000-06:00

Blaster of Puppets

I watched Team America World Police tonight.

Though the movie is relatively old, this was my first time to see it. It had it's moments I guess, but it didn't live up the the hype I had heard about it, nor did it meet my expectations. It was loaded with weak humor... Which was no surprise. It was written and produced by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the same duo who brought us South Park. Though the humor was mostly juvenile there were comedic parts of the movie which were effective, like the scene where Hans Blix gets eaten by Kim Jong Ill's pet shark.

Mostly though the comedy was sophomoric at best. The puppet sex scene with Gary and Lisa that I had heard so much about and how funny it was... Well it would have been funny... If I were 13 years old.

Seriously people, lets grow up. It's not funny anymore when somebody farts... and sex scenes with puppets, no matter how graphic and obscene they may be, are not funny either. Both of these things stopped being funny about the time I celebrated my 14th birthday... About the time I stopped playing with Hot Wheels... About the time I started worrying about being cool.

I did like the soundtrack. In fact I thought it was awesome. Team America... Fuck Yeah! just has a certain ring to it. And I'm so Ronry, sung by the Kim Jong Ill puppet was pretty funny. (Yeah I know... Farts aren't funny anymore but making fun of a Korean accent is still hilarious.)

Oh and the whole connection with the word FAG and actor Alec Baldwin was pretty clever too. (Yeah I know. See parenthesis above.)

The part where Michael Moore was killed was a disappointment. I was ~~hoping~~ expecting that he would br riddled with bullets or beat to death with the now famous belly slapping torture, or at least something extremely violent... But no, he just blew himself up as a suicide bomber. I am wondering if there is a secret meaning in there, as the suicide bomber is pretty much viewed in the west as an act of a coward.

That didn't get past me.

I had nothing better to do tonight than watch this movie. Though it didn't meet my high expectations, I do not regret watching it. There are certainly worse things I could have been spending my time on.

But I wouldn't watch it again.

2005-11-17T22:07:00.000-06:00

Shop n Rock

I bought Spinal Tap today at a local grocery store.

Yep, that's what I said... A grocery store. I have been looking to buy that movie for, oh about 48 katrillion years now, and haven't ever been able to locate a decent copy anywhere at a decent price. But I found it today at a grocery store of all places and it was priced under ten dollars... Brand new.

Uh yes, I'll take some eggs, a gallon or two of milk... a bag of fresh basil... Some cereal for breakfast... And a couple of sticks of butter. Oh, and yeah... A copy of Spinal Tap if you got one.

I'm sorry sir we are all out of the basil... But we do have the cereal you requested, and the milk... And the sticks of butter... And the movie Spinal Tap of course.

Yeah great. I didn't really need the basil anyway...

Maybe I'll go back to that grocery store tomorrow and see if I can't pick me up a new copy of Heavy Metal. Or Pink Floyd the Wall.

And maybe while I'm there I'll grab a copy of Tommy also.

Excuse me, but do you sell wonton wrappers?

No, I'm sorry sir we do not. But we do have Rush: Exit Stage Left on DVD.

Fuckin A grocery dude! I'll take it!

I can spend 12 bucks on some acorn squash and a couple of guords... Or I can drop less than ten singles on a new copy of Spinal Tap.

Unfuckingbelievable.

2005-11-16T18:14:00.000-06:00

The Penguins in March

I see where the March of the Penguins has been nominated for an Oscar.

That seems about right. I'm sure that the Nielson Ratings will fly off the hook for that episode.

Instead of the usual crowd tuning into the Oscars next year - the 30 something (or older) single mothers of four... And those sleazy crackpots from the entertainment channels... Now millions of penguin lovers will be tuning in too... With grandier hopes of their beloved film bringing home the golden chalice.

My friend Kirk likes penguins. He said so in the comments of this post... A review I wrote of the movie back in August.

I dont think I deemed March of the Penguins Oscar material, as I recall.

But back to my point, Kirk did like it.

...I do like penguins. Was his exact comment.

There's little doubt in my mind what he's going to be doing next year on the night of March 5th.

Heh! He should go to Hollywood and actually attend the Oscars... Dressed as a penguin! Or better yet, ALL of the penguins that starred in that movie should go to the Oscars... all 6 trillion of them... And fall out of a limosouine and do their little waddle through the papparazzi down the red carpet!

Posing for photo ops with Al Pacino and Kurt Russell... Maybe Christopher Walken...

Snorting cocaine in the bathroom with Kate Moss...

Heh.

All of the penguins would interfere with the ceremony... With their endless penguin chatter...

They would be asked by security to tone it down a notch, or be forced to leave.

"Come on," they'd say. "Let's go!" The penguins wouldn't mind leaving. The Oscar category for documentaries is one of the earliest of the evening. Their chatter would be a direct result of them winning the Oscar or not.

Then the entire flock would wander down Santa Monica Boulevard to slam shots at Barney's Beanery.

The next morning there'd be penguins everywhere throughout the city of West Los Angeles and Beverly Hills. They'd be passed out... Hungover from their long night of partying at the Beanery... sleeping on sidewalks and in people's front lawns... On benches in the city parks... Amongst the usual homeless.

Then...

Later in the day they would all gather in Griffith Park at the fountain... There they'd all huddle... And then begin their 3000 mile walk back to the South Pole. Taking turns holding the sacred trophy.

Somebody could document it, (Perhaps Kirk) thus creating March of the Penguins 2.

Just in time for the 2007 Oscars.

2005-11-15T18:38:00.000-06:00

Symptom of a Down

In 1984 the Chicago Cubs had a Cy Young winner (Rick Sutcliffe), an MVP (Ryne Sandberg), AND they lost in the championship series of the National League playoffs.

Ahem.

In 2005 the St Louis Cardinals also had a Cy Young winner (Chris Carpenter), and an MVP (Albert Pujols). AND thier season ended respectfully in the championship series of the National League playoffs.

This means absolutely nothing. Unless of course it is a sign of things to come.... In 1985 the Cubs finished in 4th place with a mere 77-84 record.

If it is a prophetic sign of a Cardinal season to come, then maybe... Just maybe... There might actually be some merit to the Cubs fan's seasonal cry of Wait til' next year!

So what the hell. Wait til' next year!

2005-11-15T17:59:00.000-06:00

Fancy That

I was doing my best to control pests in this part of Iowa today, when at one particular job I mentioned to a client that I wanted to put some roach gel underneath his sink to prevent roaches from nesting and gathering there.

"Whatever suits your fancy." he said.

"Well," I replied, "Were talking about roach gel here... I'm not sure that my fancy applies!"

Ah yes, a little pest control humor for ya...

2005-11-11T18:38:00.000-06:00

Thank You Veterans!

2005-10-27T21:24:00.000-05:00

Got Sick?

I'm never drinking milk again.

Did you know that it comes from cows?

No, I'm serious. I just learned this today.

I was killing rodents and bugs at a dairy farm this morning and I saw a guy doing something that I thought looked pretty disgusting to a big ol' cow. He was giving it a hand job!

So I hid behind a barn stall and watched for awhile, knowing that this guy didn't know I was there... And watched with amazed horror as this cow kept shooting his stream into a strategically placed bucket.

Finally I couldn't stand it any longer.

"Hey you fuckin' pervert!" I yelled to the farmer. He must have jumped a mile in the air because I startled him so bad. He didn't know that I had been watching him, and now he knew that he was caught red handed!

"You enjoying that, Creep-O?" I shouted.

By then he realized where I was... and he tried to make small talk.

"Do I know you?" he asked.

"No," I answered. "I'm the pest control technician and I'm here to service this barn... But it looks like you are servicing that poor helpless animal!"

Well then the conversation got really crazy... Going off in all kinds of directions.

But finally things settled down and he explained to me in great detail how all the milk that we buy in the stores does indeed come from cows, and that it goes through a pasturization process, which basically cleans the milk and makes it safe for drinking, and through a homogenizing process that also makes milk safe for us to drink, and blah blah this and blah blah that, carried in big trucks blah blah and blah blah blah.

I couldn't believe it, I had never ever heard of that before.

After several cuss words were yelled and a few dirty looks were passed back and forth, that farmer and I kind of worked things out. I apologized to him for calling him a pervert, and he apologized to me for calling me a stupid fucking idiot. He kept saying that he couldn't believe that I didn't know that milk came from cows. I kept telling him that I couldn't believe that I thought he was jacking off a big ol' heffer.

I couldn't wait to get home to tell my wife the news... That milk comes from cows. And naturally, being way smarter than I am, she said that she knew this, and that it was common knowledge. She said that everybody knew this.

I didn't.

For all of these years, I've I always thought that milk came straight from the milkman.

2005-10-24T20:18:00.000-05:00

Who Needs Gov'ment Aid?

I believe that many of the people of New Orleans and the victims of Katrina would have faired much better if they were more prepared like these folks.

For future disasters let's review.........

Survival Kit

Toilet Paper.................................check.
Bud Light....................................check.
Keystone Ice...............................check.
Budweiser...................................check .
Red Dog.....................................check.
Misc. other bottles of alcohol........check.
Piece of plywood to float your chick and booze on ...check.

Next time let's all be more prepared.

(From my inbox... Thanks Amy!)

2005-10-23T17:58:00.000-05:00

Monster Mosh

Last night I saw the Misfits in Des Moines.

Wrinkled Ticket Stub

I had a good view of the entire show as I stood against the wall a mere 5 feet from the band. Unfortunately I stood next to a speaker for the duration of the entire show, and today I can't hear so good.

Oh well, it was a great show. I also had a run in with a couple of old friends whom I haven't seen for a while so it was also good for the soul. Today my neck is as stiff as an iron beam due to some extreme headbanging to such classics as Green Hell, Spook City USA, Teenagers from Mars, and Last Caress.

Today my head hurts and like I said, I can't hear so good.

Thank God for football and it's automatic excuse to do nothing on a Sunday except to lay around and watch TV.

2005-10-11T15:19:00.000-05:00

Today I Learned

Amongst other things.... That it is impossible to lick your elbow.

2005-10-09T22:43:00.000-05:00

Adios

Say goodbye to the Cubs sroll. Say goodbye to romance.

2005-10-09T16:47:00.000-05:00

A Lot Has Happenend Since I Blogged Last.

I got a new job. I am now in the pest control business, and I am taking no prisoners. If you are a rodent or an insect reading this blog, take notice. The Goose is coming to getcha.

I changed my name to Sally. But you can call me Linda.

I am now the proud owner of a shuffelboard game, but I have yet to actually win an official game.

Speaking of winning, the Chiefs are 0-2 since I last blogged.

I see where the Bush administration is once again strategically using the terror threat message to divert the nation's attention away from negative blotter within it's own administration. (In this case, the Delay indictments.)

I have discovered that Jaxon, my trusty chupacabra might be gay...

Maybe I'll explain in a later post.

Tom and Katie are going to be parents together. I wonder what position they were in when he shot his wad? (I'd like to think that she was in the reverse cowgirl... Or better yet held hostage with her ankles duct taped behind her ears.)

The Cubs dropped out of site for another year. Oh wait, that happened all the way back in May.

I was asked to be an NFL writer for an up and coming online NFL magazine... But had to decline due to an intense training regiment and time allowed with my new job. Note: Things will be slowing down here in the near future, so if that offer is still available then, let me know...)

My wife and I had sex last night, reaching a milestone of 10,000 times. You might say that I put the icing on the cake. (Yes there was duct tape involved.)

I met a guy named Paul.

2005-09-23T11:26:00.000-05:00

The Longest Yawn

Last night I watched the Longest Yard. (The new one.)

On so many different levels, this was a good movie. On so many other different levels, it was terrible.

What was good:

Chris Rock... as always.
Steve Austin was a welcome highlight to the movie.
Watching Bill Romanowski once again be part of a losing team.
Trying to figure out who Brian Bosworth was, before realizing that it was Brian Bosworth.
My friend, who is a Vikings fan, not knowing who Sean Salisbury was.
Jim Rome and his all too short commentary.
Michael Irvin actually looked and acted like a bad ass in this movie.
Some of the hits were eclectic. (There had to be some pain endured in the filming of this picture.)
I thought that the prison inmate cheerleaders were actually funny.

What was bad:

The storyline was extremely unbelievable. (Like they'd really let an insane killer out of isolation to play football and seemingly roam the prison campus at will.)
Adam Sandler. I can't take this guy seriously at all. Ever. He was not the right guy for the part.
Chris Berman had way too much air time in this flick. And why in the hell would ESPN be broadcasting a game at a prison?
The fact that the anabolic steroids that the guard were taking came in a bottle labeled anabolic steroids. Same thing with the estrogen bottle. What is this a Warner Bros. cartoon?
McDonald's had way too much advertising in this movie.

There were other good and bad parts about this movie but I can't think of them right off the top of my head. But I'm guessing that you saw it... So you tell me.

2005-09-21T15:54:00.000-05:00

Stupid Pet Tricks

My wife has been on this bath kick lately.

Instead of taking a shower every night like she used to, she's been taking the time to clean out the tub, fill it full of warm water and bubblebath, tune the radio to a soft music station, and soak herself for about 9 hours. She says that it helps her to unwind after a long day, and that it relaxes her.

"It's therapeutic," she says.

Not for me. I've always been a shower man. Turn the water on full blast, jump in, soap up, rinse off, and get out. My whole routine takes less than 5 minutes. If I wanted to spend all of my time standing under running water, I'd move to Washington state. If I wanted to soak myself in water, I'd go for a swim in the river.

So, being on her kick... Of course I've been razzing her about it.

"You should just take a long bath," she says to me. "Then you'd know how therapeutic it really is."

"No way." I answered. "You have about as much chance of me taking a bath as you do getting Jaxon in there."

Jaxon of course, is my trusty chupacabra.

This made my wife laugh. "I'll give you a hundred dollars if you can get Jaxon in that bathtub!" She mused.

Well... Guess what? I took that challenge. And I'm a hundred dollars richer.

But still... It was probably a bad idea:

It's gonna take more than a hundred bills to fix this mess.

2005-09-19T10:19:00.000-05:00

As if You Care

The Warpath

This is my favorite day of the year. The day after the Chiefs venture into the Black Hole and anhilate the raiders in front of thier own fans.

The raider fans can't handle this... but year in and year out they show up, and endure a beating from the Chiefs... And their hatred for the red grows stronger and stronger...

Heh. Fuck the Raiders.

And fuck Randy Moss too.

Randy Moss is a joke. He is virtually Oakland's only weapon... And he isn't even that.

He had that big play in the second quarter... where he caught the pass and ran a billion yards for a Raider touchdown... Big deal. All the media is raving about it. But did anyone else notice that he pushed off of Patrick Surtain while the ball was in the air to get free on that play?...

This obvious foul was (probably intentionally) overlooked by the officials... Payback to Moss for a previous play from a couple of drives earlier when another Moss touchdown was overturned due to a controversial pass interference call?

By the way, THAT catch was quite unspectacular... My grandma would have made it.

Hell, my grandpa would have made it... And he died in 1986.

Joe Posnanski wrote an excellent article about Randy Moss in today's Kansas City Star. If you are one of the minions who think that Randy Moss is an elite NFL receiver, then read that article. The author makes some good points... Working for the Star, Posnanski has access to Chiefs information that I dont have, so his opinions are based from personal insights... From his own views, and those from the Chiefs organization. More than likely, his opinions have truth to them.

...Chiefs president/general manager/CEO/godfather of soul Carl Peterson was watching Moss a lot during the game. He noticed, as all of us noticed, that when the ball wasn’t going his way, Moss would take two steps and stop.

After the game, several Chiefs players were laughing about how Moss constantly waves his hand while he’s running his patterns — “I’m open!” he seems to be shouting — the way the annoying kid on the playground does.

It’s one thing to be an individual. It’s one thing to want the ball. It’s one thing to even care more about your own personal stats than you do victory.

That is Posnanski's theory as to why the Raiders deemed Moss virtually useless on that final drive... A fact that puzzled me big time last night, and kept me thinking about it for most of today. Moss is a non - team player, and can't get over the "M-E" that is in team.

Will he make the big plays and sell football jerseys in Oakland? Sure he will.

But after he makes all of those Sportscenter highlights, and after he retires with all of those high career receiving numbers, the Oakland Raiders will still be a terrible team.

Why?

Because they can't count on Moss down the stretch to make the big plays when they'll need him too... To win games late in the fourth quarter when his team is down by six points... To be the factor in the game that he should be.

Because Moss only plays for himself, his own numbers... And doesn't care about his teammates.

It's crystal clear to me now. The Vikings knew exactly what they were doing when they let him out of his Minnesota contract.

More from Posnanski's article:

“Randy Moss is a special player,” (Sammy) Knight would say, and that’s a good word. Special. He can do special things. But in the 0-2 Raiders’ locker room, Moss wasn’t talking. He had a Raiders bodyguard keeping people away. He’s a special guy.

It couldn't happen to a better team.

2005-09-18T23:11:00.000-05:00

Week Two

Does it get any better than this?

UPDATE: No, it doesn't! Chiefs win a squeaker 23 - 17 and advance to 2 - 0. It doesn't get any better than this.

However, this certainly would be a close second:

2005-09-18T11:10:00.000-05:00

Loch Ness Penis

Is this the Loch Ness Monster?

No, it's not.

It's a closeup of swimmer Kevin Mitchell who just spent much of yesterday swimming naked in a 23 mile stretch of Lake Loch Ness.

This photo of Mitchell, who is doing the backstroke, is the only known photo of the day... A charity event sponsored to raise money for the Cancer Research UK. Obviously the water wasn't too cold.

Along with 5 other people... Two women and three men... Mitchell was the first participant in the annual relay which raises awareness and money for the British equivilent of the American Cancer Society. Unfortunately the event was cut short due to inclement weather.

"We swam all through the night and successfully completed one length in 14 hours and four minutes but the conditions were so bad we couldn't go on," said Mitchell, 56.

"The waves were so big and the wind was so strong that we couldn't keep the (escort) boat with the swimmer and that made it unsafe to continue."

"That and this giant dragon like creature kept trying to eat us."

2005-09-18T09:30:00.000-05:00

Michael's Song

Michael Jackson's creative juices are flowing again. And though normally the word juices used in the same sentence as Michael Jackson is a little creepy, in this case it's not... Michael is writing a little song to benefit the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

My sources got me a sneak preview of the song. Here's an excerpt:

Katrina Katrina your power's insane
If only you'd been a himacane
I woulda trapped you and brought you home
And saved New Orleans and the Superdome

Katrina Katrina you could live with me
In Neverland where you'd be free
To blow your gale force wind so hard
(Blush) Heh Ooops,... I said hard!

Katrina Katrina Lay in my bed
And please allow me to give you...

Editorial note: To keep the song fresh and new Michael has asked us not to print it in it's entirety. However you will be hearing the full version soon.

Way to go Mike! We love you again!

2005-09-11T11:39:00.000-05:00

Week One

2005-09-08T15:34:00.000-05:00

Rare Photo

Who is Ryno waiting for?

And who is that guy behind him choking on his knaukwerst?

That's Americana.

2005-09-06T16:30:00.000-05:00

Gilligan Goes Home

The person who's silly shenanigans led to a lifetime's worth of an extended vacation for seven castaways is dead.

Bob Denver, TV's Gilligan was 70.

You might say that Gilligan was voted off of the island.

This is the man who survived attacks from head hunters, wicked spells of voodoo, clones of himself, angry gorillas, and giant insects... Not to mention the Skipper's bed farts... But apparently cancer got the best of him, as he died from complications from the treatment he was receiving. The quadruple bypass surgery he had on his heart earlier this year apparently wasn't a factor in his death.

Bob Denver was arguably the biggest star from my childhood memories. I would race home after school each day to catch the reruns of Gilligan's Island... And I saw each episode countless times. Though I knew that it was the castaways fate that they would never be saved, I always held a glimmer of hope for them, and I always pulled for Gilligan to be the hero... To once and for all get past that Charlie Brown syndrome... To finally walk away from his life of failures.

So, I guess it is safe to say that a part of me died today too... Or at least a part of my childhood. Once again I am grimly reminded of my own mortality.

On a lighter note, Bob Denver was preceded in death by John Denver and Denver Pyle.

Maybe that was uncalled for...

2005-09-05T11:59:00.000-05:00

Fightin Words?

From my my Labor Day morning inbox:

.... you must realize, of course, that those are fighting words down this way.... but, having said that...my Vols would eat the buckeyes for breakfast... oops, sorry... Hawkeyes....

This from Eric, the Straight White Guy in response to a comment that I left on one of his posts. Apparently, my subtle comment that the Hawkeyes would eat the 'dawgs for breakfast stirred a little emotion down in the southeastern neck of the American woods.

Heh.

I'm just wondering something here... Is Eric a Vols fan?... Which would make sense as he is from Tennessee... Or is he a Georgia fan as I was led to believe from reading his post?

Or even more strange... Is he a fan of both?

If he is a fan of both, doesn't that cause some controvery in his righteous football mind? Afterall, both teams come from the Southeastern's Eastern conference. And... If that is indeed the case, then wouldn't the fact that he likes both teams be more of a reason for fighting than a surrogate team from another conference coming in and making a bold statement?

I do know one thing. If anybody up here in Iowa who claimed to be a Hawkeye fan showed any approval for Ohio State, Illinois, Michigan, Purdue , or any other team in the Big Ten conference, that person would instantly lose all credibility in the Hawkeye Nation.

That being said. I certainly wouldn't want to pick a fight with Eric. That was not my intent at all. Aside from his obvious very likable personality, and a shared affinity for a fine drink, I've been led to believe that he has a capable arsenal that would rival the Canadian army's.

Maybe... Just maybe the Hawks and the Vols... Or the Bulldogs... will meet in a national championship bowl game in early January... to settle that score once and for all.

Side note: Every single Big Ten team won this weekend, meaning that the entire conference is 1 - 0. That is, except Purdue, who hasn't played yet.

2005-09-04T10:58:00.000-05:00

Sunday Morning Musings

It's football season... I woke up in the Heisman Trophy pose this morning.

The Hawkeyes looked extremely impressive yesterday although they played a Ball State team that was short 13 players, most of them starters. Nonetheless, a 56 - 0 victory is impressive no matter how you look at it, especially in college level atheletics.

The Countdown, as penned by Jon Miller at Hawkeye Nation:

Ten aspects of Iowa's 56-0 win over Ball State on Saturday, by the numbers.

TEN: Ten different Iowa receivers caught passes on Saturday against Ball State. Six of those ten pass catchers hauled in the first reception of their careers.

NINE: Iowa ran its overall winning streak to nine games on Saturday, dating back to last year’s home win against Michigan State. Thanks to Auburn’s opening night loss against Clemson, Iowa’s streak is now third longest in the nation.

Runner Up: David Walker has played in just nine games for Iowa during his career.

EIGHT: Eight different backs carried the ball for Iowa on Saturday, if you don’t count the two ‘rushes’ that Drew Tate was credited for. In the college game, quarterback sacks count as rushing attempts, and Tate was sacked twice.

SEVEN: Ball State recorded just seven first downs on Saturday, a great number for a defense regardless of the strength of the opponent.

SIX: Iowa was six of six in red zone scoring chances on Saturday, and all six scores were touchdowns. In our Friday preview, we talked about how Iowa needed to increase their ‘touchdown efficiency’ in the red zone compared to last year…they accomplished that against BSU.

FIVE: As in Drew Tate’s number. The junior QB threw just 10 passes and he completed nine of them. The lone incompletion was the long pass that bounced off Ed Hinkel’s fingertips in the North end zone.

Runner Up: Albert Young had five carries for 61 yards.

FOUR: As in Herb Grigsby’s number. The sophomore’s first ever catch as a Hawkeye resulted in a 33-yard touchdown.

Runner Up: BSU was just 4 of 17 on third down conversions.

THREE: Iowa’s defense recorded three sacks on Saturday; Bryan Mattison, Kenny Iwebema and Abdul Hodge wound up on the stat sheet.

TWO POINT FIVE: OK, we cheated a bit here, but BSU averaged just 2.5 yards per play for the entire game. Runner Up: Iowa had two turnovers in this game, the lone smudge on this resume.

ONE: As in the number of first year players that saw action on Saturday: Shonn Greene, Tony Moeaki, Dace Richardson, Ryan Bain and Alex Kanellis.

Ah... It's good to be a Hawkeye.

And now, for one final thought on this sunday morning: There can never be enough bacon in the house.

2005-09-03T15:55:00.000-05:00

Gotta Know When to Hold'em

"When you get out to piss, please set the emergency brake. "

Famous last words? Perhaps, but it fell on deaf ears.

A minibus taxi carrying 26 people in Makhado rolled off a cliff after the driver stepped out for a moment to relieve himself yesterday... The apparent result of not setting the emergency brake as the taxi sat on an incline. The 16 passenger minibus taxi was way overloaded and it's extra weight probably lended to it's momentum as the unmanned taxi rolled down the road, went over a bridge and then shot off of a cliff. Most of the passengers, all of which were Zimbabwean nationals, didn't have a chance as they were helplessly trapped inside the rolling death machine. Two of the 19 people killed were children.

Man... What a horror. Can you imagine the terror that would ensue after zipping up your fly, then turning around only to see the vehicle that you are personally responsible for - which happens to be full of people - disappear off of a cliff?

Yikes. He should have held it.

2005-09-03T05:45:00.000-05:00

OJ for Breakfast

This post is likely to be a ramble.

It's almost 6:00 AM and I feel as if I have barely slept. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I haven't slept at all.

Insomnia... Always better when it happens on a weekend.

Still, it's not like I've been having a blast... There is nothing to do but watch TV, and there was nothing on the TV except news, and there is no news anymore... Just flood coverage of New Orleans in the wake of Katrina. Unfortunately, not much of it seems to be new news... Just the same old heartbreaking stories that have been haunting us all week long. Personally, I started to block out the New Orleans tragedy around Wednesday. I have simply had enough of it. But I got a heavy dose of it again this morning... And once again it is weighing heavily on my mind.

So, I will digress.

Since the hurricane has dominated headlines and newscasts for pretty much the entire week, other news worthy items have been put on the back burner or not reported at all. For instance, were you aware that OJ Simpson attended the MTV music awards?

See, there he is... In all his cigar smoking glory. Now all I want to know is why?

Oj is a cancer. Does he not know that he is way too old to be hanging out with the new hip MTV crowd?

Does he not resemble that one guy we all know... You know... the one who always invites himself to hang out with the younger hipper crowd even though it is blatantly obvious that he is not welcome... The one who makes feeble attempts to speak the slang, and wear the new style of clothes ... The one who is too shallow to realize that by letting him hang out with them, the younger hipper crowd is only mocking him?.. Because he is twice as old as they are?

Does Oj not know that little social rule that clearly states that once you use a knife to cut off an innocent person's head over a fit of jealousy, it is virtually impossible to be hip anyway?

People just don't seem to forget about that kind of thing. It never really goes away...

The juice is there for the party. The selfish sonuvabitch has cast a blind eye to society and he is showing no signs of letting up.

OJ is slowly becoming more and more comfortable in public...This is not a good thing.

It used to be that you wouldn't see him but once every 6 - 8 months. Now he's making public appearances at an alarming rate.

Here he is at the premiere of 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo' at The Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas on August 6.

Obviously having a great time... Check out the jive step he's putting into his walk.

This picture brings a few questions to my mind:

How can he not know that everybody thinks he is guilty of murder?

How can he maintain an ounce of comfort in the spotlight?

Does he think that people are now giving him the benefit of the doubt about his acquittal?

Or that everybody just forgot about what happenend?

And does he honestly think that Nicole's sister really wants to sleep with him?

People need to stop being nice to OJ. People need to ignore him when he shows up on the red carpet. People need to stop taking his picture.

Apparently, someone is being cool to him... Talking to him over hors douerves and punch... Or something... Because he has suddenly gotten that They like me! mentality again... Someone has been stroking his ego, and it's getting out of hand.

The animal has been fed, and now he wants more.

It's funny how fast one can lose credibility after slicing up a couple of people's necks.

OJ was on top of the world, a mega star... A rags to riches football phenom... A regular on the late show circuit... A heavily sought actor for Leslie Nielson movies. He was larger than life...

Then he butchered two people and though he got away with it, his acquittal didn't keep him from falling from grace. He lost everything very fast... His extravagant lifestyle,... His playboy charisma...Virtually every one of his friends...

Now he's trying to get some of that back and frankly, it looks as if he is succeeding. At least he is in his own mind, which apparently is enough to feed this monster.

The beast needs to be shut down. The wretched fucker is due for some intense pain and sufferring, not Hollywood celebrity coddling.

Oj has made his deal with the devil. As long as he is alive, he will continue to defy all the rules. There is no stopping this man apparently. However, when his time is finally up, he will get whats coming to him. There is surely a room with his name on it waiting for him in the hottest part of hell. There is an eternity of sufferage and labor waiting for him upon his death, where he will contemplate daily the selfish life he lived while on Earth. Someday, justice will be served.

But there is no time for that now... There is a party somewhere. And the Juice is loose.

2005-08-30T18:50:00.000-05:00

Beuhrle Ball

After losing to the Texas Rangers last night 5-7, White Sox starter Mark Buehrle made some startling accusations. He suggested that the Rangers were effectively using electronic transmissions to steal signs from his catcher and then revealing them to the Texas batters through a high tech light system from center field.

Buehrle said, "I've heard it from tons of people. It's not just me saying this. ... Something's going on because they hit so good at home. The way they hit here, you'd have to raise an eyebrow to figure something's going on. Look at the stats. I'm not just making this up..."

The Rangers have hit the ball much better at home this year than on the road. So on one hand it seems that Buehrle has a point. The Rangers are hitting .285 at home, with 125 homeruns. On the road they are hitting a mere .256 with 86 homers.

Of course the home field advantage might be a factor... Obviously it will come into play. That's why they call it the home field advantage... However, is the home field advantage almost .30 points better? That's quite a bit when one's figuring a whole season's total of at bats. And for approximately playing the same number of games on the road than they are at home, are the Rangers really 30 homeruns better in Arlington?

I'd be interested to know how all of the other teams fare on the road as compared to their home base. Some teams such as the Mariners and the Brewers are actually playing better ball on the road than they are at home. Does every team hit a higher number of homeruns in Arlington?... Are their team batting averages higher too?

This would be a good job for the stat guys... Personally, I'm not going to dedicate too much time to it.

That being said, on the other hand, Buehrle is starting to sound a little repititious in his remarks to the press.

Buehrle made some similar comments earlier this season when he accused a certain North Sider of using foreign substances on the ball while pitching.

He said, "I don't know personally, but I'm just saying from years of experience that he's had success that he very well may be using something."

The speculation amongst the press corps is that Beurhle was referring to Greg Maddux, who does lick his fingers quite often while pitching... However, there are rules that pitchers must abide to about licking their fingers on the mound and apparently this has never been an issue with the MLB umpire staffs. Besides, Maddux is a control pitcher... Not really a characteristic of a spitballer. (There's also speculation that Beuhrle was referring to Carlos Zambrano, in which case would make more sense... Though Zambrano hasn't had the years of experience of success that Maddux has.)

Basically what it comes down to is this: Whenever Buehrle notices a team's or a player's success, he instantly assumes they must be cheating.

Is this a sign that the White Sox are starting to crack a bit after a blistering start to this season?

They have now lost three in a row, as of tonight. And Cleveland, it seems is making a strong move towards a first place battle with the Sox. The pressure might be too intense from a pitcher's standpoint, so when a veteran like Beuhrle, who has been having a pretty good year so far starts throwing out accusations as his excuses for not performing well... Then maybe it is a sign that the levee is starting to break. A 6.5 game lead isn't much going into September once the wheels start to fall off.

What will Beuhrle's excuse be if the Sox don't make it to the playoffs? Aliens from outer space were taking over control of his pitches?

The time has come to stop making baseless accusations and to start playing baseball.

2005-08-30T17:38:00.000-05:00

From my Inbox

A lovely little joke from a lovely little lady:

A man is at the supermarket when he notices that a rather attractive blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do I know you?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my kids!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful... "Holy Christ!" he says "Are you that strip-o-gram on my stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery, tied up my balls and stuck a cucumber up my ass!?"

"No!!!" she replies coldly, "I'm your daughter's English Teacher"...

Heh.

Thanks Amy!

2005-08-29T18:33:00.000-05:00

Here in Iowa We Use Shotguns

Down in wherever... Africa was it?

There is apparently a problem with Elephants raiding gardens... Or actually on a bigger scale..., cropfields.

They roam into the fields at night under the watchful elephant eye and gobble up farmer yummies. The farmers get pissed and well... somebody got the bright idea of using hot chili peppers to ward off these offensive beasts.

Now kids, this is old news. I first saw it a month ago.

I drugded it up from the foundations of my blog fodder folder and am finally presenting it to you. Here in Iowa we have to deal with rabbits. Over in Africa apparently, they are dealing with one ton animilistic machines.

I have a jump on my neighbors here... First of all, I don't have a garden.

But if I did, Jaxon my trusty chupacabra...

Well, for the sake of the children... Lets hope that no goats wander unassuming into my yard... He has this two hole puncture thing down, and um... He is a goat sucker.

And rabbits aren't forgiven either.

But holy shit... I am really wondering what impact he would have on a freaking elephant?

Probably none. the savage elephantile beast would rip out his colon... By the shred of his massive tusk.

But maybe... Just maybe Jaxon would get the upper hand on this creature. He'd have his jugular... He'd knaw at it while not letting go... like a pitbull on a trained stick... grabbing each bite for his better advantage... OoooH!

...Eh...Probably not.

Here in Iowa we grow chilis because they are good to eat.

2005-08-28T22:51:00.000-05:00

March of the Penguins

With my family, I went to see The March of the Penguins tonight. It was probably the worst $25.00 I have ever wasted. I should have spent that money on an aids-infested hooker...It would have been money better spent.

This movie was not what I expected at all.

First of all, I was under the impression that this movie was a comedy. I heard a conversation on a talk radio program that led me to believe this... But now in hindsight I'm thinking that the host of the radio show said that this movie was "laughable" and not something else... Something that led me to believe that I'd be laughing at this movie... and not the movie laughing at me.

Another impression I had going into seeing this film was that it was a Pixar movie. How I ever came to this conclusion, I'll never know. I guess I thought that I saw a trailer for it several months ago while watching another film in the movie theater... But apparently I saw a trailer for something else.

So, in humble self amusement I silently kicked myself when I realized that March of the Penguins would be nothing more than an honest footage documentary.

Nonetheless I took on an optimistic view, because surely I thought, this documentary would have raw footage of savage nature unleashing it's fury on these penguins, in the form of a polar bear attack...Or the same by orca whales... Or people with clubs... Or something.

But no.

This was just a documentary about 10,000 penguins who kept walking back and forth across the icy Antartic. And that is basically all they did during this entire movie.

(Yawn.)

And they gave birth.

(Bigger yawn.)

Not one scene contained a drop of penguin blood in it and not one scene made me laugh. I actually considered asking the manager for my money back.

Even my five year old almost fell asleep during this fracas. I can't imagine my oldest daughter's horror... She's 15... at this lame excuse for a family night out. I'm pretty certain that I have lost all credibility with her now, I'll be surprised if she doesn't run away.

Why is this movie even in a movie theater? It belongs on the Discovery Channel...

Or maybe PBS...

Or hell... Make that NPR! There was nothing visually stimulating about this movie... it would have been better suited for National Public Radio.

March of the Penguins has to be the biggest hoax in movie history, and I fell for it.

I learned more about penguins playing Super Mario than I did watching this stupid flick. The next time I hear somebody raving about it, I'm bound to get a little violent.

And I might just do a little penguin clubbing of my own.

2005-08-28T21:03:00.000-05:00

Katrina and the Waves

It'd be a bad time to be in New Orleans. The medicine man must have pissed off the gods... The voodoo is blistering mad, and is unleashing it's anger in full satanic force.

When Hurricane Katrina finally closes in on the magic city, it'll be the biggest hurricane to have ever hit the United States.

It's just a radar image short of being a tsunami... And though they are two different things...Katrina's presence will be just as intense, despite the warning from the television screen.

Wind will be whipping violently at 200 miles per hour, and water levels are expected to rise over 20 feet in some areas. New Orleans is actually below sea level, a drastic fact when a hurricane of Katrina's caliber is looming. It is a category 5, the highest category that a hurricane can be... And it is still growing.

If there was a category 6 hurricane, this would be it.

Mother nature is showing no mercy. The cards have been dealt and it looks like the city of the Saints will be paying the pot.

The entire New Orleans area has been under a mandatory evacuation ordinance since early this morning. With their futures suddenly uncertain, people have been forced to leave the world as they know it behind... abandoning their houses, their jobs, and many of their valuable possessions.

This evil was unpredicted, as Katrina was a mere category 3 a couple of days ago. The people in the New Orleans area (along with other people in the southeastern region) had no way of seeing this coming... Not that one could ever prepare for a change of this magnitude.

People aren't wired to accept drastic changes. Especially when it is thrust upon them without warning with rapid fire precision...Especially when faced with the realization that they could lose everything.

Good luck, New Orleans. I'm not sure that voodoo of this caliber can be reversed.

But I'm pulling for you.

2005-08-24T21:06:00.000-05:00

Time Restraints

Not a good week for blogging so far, at least from a personal standpoint. The kids start school tomorrow, one in kindergarten and the other in high school... This week has been filled with extra-curricular activities galore. Hopefully I'll get something posted here in a day or two.

2005-08-21T17:11:00.000-05:00

Yet Even More Signs of the Apocalypse

Slipknot, the biggest thing to come out of Iowa since corn on the cob, is pissed. And I'd be pissed too, if I were in the band.

Another group has stolen their trademarked identities, and well... it's not even for the right reasons.

Coq Roq (pronounced Cock-Rock?) is a band dreamed up by the folks at Burger King in an attempt to heave mass market appeal to a younger and hipper audience... But it appears that this band of their dreams is a nothing more than a rip off of the metal monster group Slipknot... And Slipknot is suing.

Howard Weitzman, the attorney who represents Slipknot says, "It is obvious that the television advertising and Web site are designed to conjure up the image and persona of a live performance of Slipknot."

Personally, I didn't need the lawyers suggestion that this was happening. It was so obvious to me when I first saw the promotion, that I thought that Slipknot actually had something to do with it.

So much for a bright future for my kids. So much for a return to the way it ought to be. It takes balls to launch this kind of an advertising campaign for a fast food joint because it goes against the very grain of intelligent and respectful society. They're not selling skateboards here kids... They're selling chicken fries.

Unfortunately these balls are aligned from a backbone of stupidity.

Not merely from the standpoint that an image is being stolen, but mostly for the fact that this drivel should never be used to sell anything as mainstream as fast food. I certainly don't want my kids associating their lunch with anything that has the word cock in it.

If this what is selling fries these days... Bands named cockrock... Doomsday is well upon us, folks. If there was any doubt before, there is none now. We are at the end of days.

2005-08-19T20:32:00.000-05:00

Instant Karma

NHL. Coming soon to a theater near you.

2005-08-16T21:02:00.000-05:00

35 and Counting...

As seen on Johnny Dakota's blog:

Why it's great to be a man:

1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We don't have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

I could probably add a few of my own...

2005-08-16T19:10:00.000-05:00

Presidential Debate 2008

What makes a presidential debate memorable?

Is it the one-liners... Like when Lloyd Bentsen mouthed off to Dan Quayle in the 1988 vice -president debate, "... Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy."?

Is it the deer in the headlights look that sometimes occurs... Like George W. Bush had in the first debate with John Kerry in the 2004 contest, or perhaps retired Admiral James Stockdale's blank stare and over use of the word "Gridlock" in the 1988 vice presidential debates?

Is it the people who make them memorable? The Richard Nixons, the Ronald Reagans, the Bill Clintons... The Ross Perots?

Imagine then if you will a debate that has the Republican front runner, the Democratic front runner, and a couple of other people with histories not quite so political... Just to make things interesting...Say a Hollywood superstar, and a heavy metal rock god.

That would be some good reality television.

It almost could have happened... Or so it seemed a couple of days ago. A website promoting Hollywood actor Christopher Walken's bid for a presidential seat was launched and it didn't go unnoticed in blogworld. Imagine Christopher Walken's prescence in a political debate. It would be... Well the only word that I can think of is stunning.

He, a man of very few words, would hold a ferocious prescence in a debate I would suspect. He is a madman. At least he is in the movies. I can just vision him cracking one or two one liners that would floor the competition and probably America as well. Under his reign it wouldn't be a presidency... It would seem more like a dictatorship.

But then again maybe not. I only know him from his acting roles. It would make for intersting debate, that is for sure.

For the record his publicist is denying this claim. He is calling the internet site a hoax and says that it is "100% not true."

But just for fun, lets assume that it is true. Afterall reality TV is usually based on the most unrealistic situations that anybody could find themselves in. Right?

Let's imagine that Christopher Walken is participating in a presidential debate. Because not only is it fun to do so, but it sets the stage for even better things when you toss in the fact that the debate could also include Ronnie James Dio.

Yep that's right. The metal rock god and former front man for Black Sabbath and Rainbow has launched a bid for president in 2008. And so far... as far as I know... It hasn't been denied by Dio's publicist.

Dio will get my vote, no matter what, if he runs. I won't even have to think twice about it.

Dio as president, are you kidding me?

His campaign poster could be the Holy Diver album cover. Only instead of a priest in the water, it could be Osama bin Laden. That would get America fired up. He's a very short man with a very big voice... I'm sure he's got some very big ideas.

Would the terrorists still feel threatened by Christianity if Dio were President? It wouldn't even be an issue.

And whether he made it to the presidency or not, you have to admit... You'd watch the debates.

Same with Christopher Walken. He'd draw your attention. Hell, I'd watch him debate, just to see if he'd say something witty, and then pull out a gun and pop somebody.

But I would just hope that it wouldn't be Dio.

(Btw, thanks to Len and Shep for the links and the ispiration for this post.)

2005-08-16T16:10:00.000-05:00

Cheese Laced Irony in the Twin Cities

Ironic is the fact that a couple of weeks ago I called an ad in the Des Moines Register about some Chiefs vs. Vikings tickets that were for sale. The ad had them listed for 25 dollars apiece, and I was kind of curious as to why they were selling so cheap, as normally an NFL game is going to run at least 50 to 80 dollars for a ticket. I talked to the guy at the other end of the phone line and he told me that they were to a pre season game. Naturally, I wasn't interested anymore, and kindly told him so.

End of story... Or so I thought.

A couple of months ago we planned a vacation to Minnesota... Minneapolis to be more specific... For a weekend at the Mall of America and the Camp Snoopy amusement park.

Little did I know then that the date set for arrival was the exact same night that the Chiefs started their pre-season football... In Minneapolis.

In fact, I didnt put it all together until last Tuesday... When in a whirlwind rush I put one and two together, made a couple of phone calls and set a date to meet my friend Eric for an August Friday night of football in the Twin Cities.

As a bleeding heart Vikings fan, he has season tickets. And the cool thing is, he has two of them. So naturally, I have an in when I desperately need to see a Vikings game in Minnesota. Which of course never happens... Unless the Chiefs are in town.

With my family in tow I pulled into our hotel parking lot at about 3:00 on Friday afternoon. The game wasn't scheduled to start for another four hours, so with plenty of time ahead of me I suggested that we finally get something to eat... at an IHOP that was connected to the north side of the hotel. That put me up in my room at about 4:30... still with plenty of time before the game... and my wife took the girls over to the mall.

Eric showed up at 5:00 to pick me up. We immediately stopped into a TGI Fridays for a quick happy hour taste, and then, once our tastebuds were properly lubricated we made the 15 minute drive to the Metrodome.
Once there we immediately hit the beer stand outside the dome and stood in audience of a local band that was trying really hard to rock out on the stage set for pre game festivities. They were terrible.

At best, they were terribly cheesy. One classic rock hit after another... Over and over. With a frat boy attempt at a couple of punk songs.

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble...
But if I stay there will be double...
What I really want to know....
Is should I stay or should I...

"Go!" yelled the crowd in a subtle twist of irony.

The band looked like it just came out a frat house, and the lead singer was wearing a Vikings jersey with the number 1 on it and the word Moo spelled out on the back. (Of course it was a cheesy play on words... Warren MOON once wore the number one for the Vikings... a little Minnesota humor?)

I'm guessing that had Joe Strummer, the lead singer of the Clash been there he would have pummled this guy with a chisel.

Why?

If you are in a band and you are going to play punk songs, that's fine.

BUT DO NOT under any circumstance ever put a frat boy spin on the music and the words.

And for the love of god DO NOT EVER wear a sports jersey while performing it.

I've always maintained that punk and classic rock do not mix, and unfortunately some people can't get over that notion. The classic rock station here in Des Moines plays the Clash too, and it just never seems to fit in with Lynard Skynard, Journey and everything else that they are playing. It fits in better with bands like Depeche Mode and groups of that ilk.

Well the vikings fans were apparently oblivious to this band and their cheesy act.

They screamed and hollered like the Stones were in town... Even the guy in front of me who was wearing a purple and white t-shirt that said, 100% Cheese Free... His shirt was a knock on the Vikings biggest rival, the Green Bay Packers.

More Minnesota humor, I suppose.

"You like this band?" I asked him inquisitively.
"Yeah, They rock!" he answered.
"Fucking cheesehead." I said back to him.

Ironic is the fact that I heard alot of anti-cheese talk during that football game. You woulda thought that the Packers were in town, it was so ridiculous. This town REALLY REALLY hates the Green Bay Packers. They treat cheese as the official mascot of the Packers, which, I suppose, it is.

The irony is this: The Vikings fans, in their motivation to diss all things cheese, and all things Packers with their lame t-shirts and such, are so cheesy themselves that they have cheeze-whiz coming out of their eye sockets.

They just don't know it.

But I'm here to tell you. Minnesota football fans are Cheesy. With an emphasis on the capital C.

After every Vikings score the entire stadium stood up in unison like a like a giant purple blanket and sang a song.

It wasn't even a tough sounding song like you'd think a song at a pro football would be... It was a very campy high schoolish fight song complete with rah - rahs and a steady hand clap.

I couldn't believe it.

In Kansas City, after the Chiefs score, a song comes over the PA, but the fans don't sing. We do a little chant... ""Were gonna beat the hell out of you! You!.. You! ..You!.. You!.. You!" But we don't sing. We're too busy high fiving and chugging beer in celebration.

I looked at my pal Eric who was joined in song with all the other vikings fans and rah - rahing with them and I said, "Man... This is GAAAAY."

It was Cheesy. Again with a capital C.

I've never been to Lambeau Field, but I'm guessing they don't sing high school caliber fight songs in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

But oh, it was fun. I had an absolute blast.

Eric was an incredible host, taking me out afterwards to places I can't talk about on this blog... And we had an awesome time.

I just found it incredibly ironic that the Vikings fans, the same ones who hate the Cheeseheads of Green Bay, are so incredibly cheesy themselves.

I told this story to a friend of mine today, and he said "That's how they are in Minnesota." And then after a small pause he added, "But they are so freaking nice up there, aren't they?

I had to agree... For a big city, the people of Minneapolis are incredibly cordial. And friendly.

The Chiefs lost a pre-season game to the Vikes... So what? I had a blast.

Even if it was a blast of cheese.

Update:

Speaking of football and speaking of irony... It's barely the preseason and the raiders are already busy being... Well raiders. No suprise here.

Special shout out to Buddy at Fucked Sports.

Thanks for the tip, Brotha!

2005-08-15T20:40:00.000-05:00

Another Great Idea Shot Down in Flames

The following is a copy of a letter I wrote to KCOB, a country music affiliate and our local and only radio station:

Hi,

I came up with a great idea... And thought that maybe somebody at KCOB might think that it was a great idea too:

The Sunday morning Buck Owens Brunch. It would be unique... Nobody is doing it that I know of... And it would be the same premise as what Kioa does on Sunday mornings, the nationally syndicated Beatles Brunch.

Buck Owens is one of the most respected and influential musicians in country music history and I think that it's safe to say that he doesn't get nearly the air play that he deserves. In fact, most people automatically relate this legend with his worst work ever, which was the long running TV show Hee Haw. It is a little known fact (especially with younger people) that he had an incredible career long before the likes of such superstars as Waylon and Willie (at one time Buck had 15 consecutive #1 hits) and literally dominated the country airwaves all the while inventing the Bakersfield sound.

Buck has been a strong influence in country music, influencing the likes of Dwight Yokum, Junior Brown, Merle Haggard, and Gary Allan just to name a few. Marty Stewart once said that Buck was "single handedly the most influential country music artist ever."

Most people aren't aware about such charming true stories about Buck's amazing life...how he once won a cadillac from Elvis in a poker game, or about how he once "stole" his future wife away from Merle Haggard...

Buck Owen's maritial mishaps in general contain some amazing stories, some heartfelt and endearing, and others... Well maybe not quite so nice.

I myself would be willing to DJ the show, say hypothetically from 11 to 1:00 on Sundays. I could supply my own music as I have a very extensive Buck Owens music collection, including several recordings of live concerts that have never been released publicy.

Myself I have seen Buck a few times out in Bakersfield, and have befriended people in Bakersfield who are personally close to Buck. I would be perfect for this assignment. I would mix up the show not only with Buck Owens music, but with stories and events that made up his incredible career. With my Bakersfield connections, I have access to the inside track of Buck Owens inc.

Please take this email seriously. The Buck Owens Sunday Brunch could be a great thing for KCOB and Newton in general. Once Newton hears of Buck Owen's prestige and his influence in the world of country music, and his wonderful Bakersfield rock a billy country sound, he will finally get the attention and respect that he has long deserved. And I am positive that I could generate a good audience for a show that will grow in popularity.

Please let me know what you think about this idea. It's definitely cutting edge.

Sincerely,

Gooseneck

Unfortunately, the reply wasn't what I had hoped for:

Gooseneck;

Appreciated getting your e-mail and we did discuss it at our Monday morning staff meeting.

The general consensus is, at this time, we're playing about all the classic country we can fit into our programming. And, while we also consider Buck Owens a very talented artist, we don't feel that we would single him out for an artist only program.

Thank you for your consideration.

Frank Liebl
General Manager

Hmmm... I wonder if they would consider the Buck Owens Late Night Cafe?

2005-08-15T15:57:00.000-05:00

The War on Ducks

I was watching a program on the History channel this afternoon about the U.S. Marine's 1943 assault on Tarawa, a small series of islands in the Pacific Ocean.

The program contained footage of Marines fighting the war with guns and rocket launchers, flame throwers, tanks and cannons.

When my 5 year old daughter walked into the room she eyed the TV with unnatural interest.

Wondering what was going through her mind I asked her, "Do you know what those men are doing, honey?"

"Yep." she said. "Hunting."

"Hunting?" I answered with amusement. Her naiveity was so natural!

"Well, what do you suppose that they are hunting?" I continued.

Just then it showed a Marine buring a grass shack with his flame thrower.

"Ducks." She said.

"Or maybe rabbits."

2005-08-12T10:17:00.000-05:00

Friday Night Lights

Here in a few minutes I'll be off to hostile territory. I'll be heading north to the land of the Norsemen... The land of 10,000 lakes... The land that I often refer to as Neverland... for reasons of my own.

Well... It never gets over 75 degrees there... The Vikings have never won a Super Bowl... They probably never will...

Heh. Always a jester. It's funny though, and maybe a little known national fact... The Minnesota vs. Iowa rivalry is still alive.

What do they have in common? Neither has a pro football team.

Tonight the Chiefs meet the vikes in the dome for round one of the preseason festivities... I will be there decked out in red screaming like an angry Apache.

I'll talk to you all after the weekend...

2005-08-11T16:40:00.000-05:00

Super Size This

I watched Super Size Me the other night on one of the movie channels.

It is the documentary about a guy who eats nothing but McDonalds food for 30 days, basically to prove that it is a pretty stupid thing to do. Not real surprisingly, he suceeds.

He gains a bunch of weight during his "experiment" and also suffers from fatigue and mood swings. His girlfriend says that their sex life is affected, in a negative way. His doctors add drama to the documentary by suggesting that his diet of three meals a day at McDonalds could eventually kill him.

Well, too bad it didn't.

The man responsible for this film, Morgan Spurlock, is obviously an attention junkie. I sincerely hope that this was his 15 minutes of fame... And not just the beginning of something evil that will eventually stir me to write yet another one of those Signs of the Apocalypse posts.

He even goes out of his way to bring a wholesome flair to his docudrama by visiting schools throughout the country (Well one actually... In Naperville, Illinois) and exposing what they are serving to our children in school lunches. From his data, it isn't really wholesome at all... Most of the footage was of the camera following fat kids through the lunch line and filming them as they grabbed french fries, candy bars and soda for their mid day meal.

And of course, the throngs of people who watched this movie were left with an overwhelming opinion that McDonalds all of a sudden stood for everything bad. Their minds, now properly brainwashed by docudrama propaganda, mentally put the golden arches in the same class as say... Satan.

I, on the other hand... While initially struck by the amount of sugar that he consumed in his 30 days, took it all in with a grain of salt. I understood that this little experiment was basically a set up. A set up to fail.

It is nothing more than a thrill seeker's chance to take a pop shot at an American corporate icon.

Of course he's gonna gain weight if he walks into McDonalds every day for three meals and adopts a rule that he will super size when asked, and at least once in his 30 days try every item that is offered on the menu.

Duh. Duh. Duh.

I'd challenge Morgan Spurlock to try the same experiment with almost any large food chain, fast food or otherwise. How much weight would he gain if he ate three squares a day at the Olive Garden, or Perkins using the guidelines with these exact same rules? How much sugar would he consume then?

How would his girlfriend describe his sexual performance after he consumed say... The Magnificent 7 at the Village Inn... A stack of pancakes with all the trimmings and a large glass of milk?

Or... A big plate of spaghetti and a side of bread and salad washed down with a glass of red wine at any of the Italian food chains?

Times that by 30 days, whatever the food chain, and then judge his weight, his mood swings, his health, and his sex drive.

Interestingly enough, with ambition fueled by this film, some people actually have set out prove that Super Size Me is nothing more than a farce, by eating McDonald's for 90 days, Not just 30... To prove that by making smart choices, it doesn't matter where you eat, it is still possible to lose weight. One person actually lost 36 pounds during her 90 day trip into McDonaldland.

It isn't the mass advertising campaigns of the corporate giants that are ruining America, as films like Super Size Me claim.

If anything it's the capitalistic morons who feed off of this sensationalistic fury and create their own propaganda from it... Usually with a biased opinion, and with no eye left open to anything that counter serves what they are putting on our plates. Michael Moore got rich from it. And now, apparently, so is Morgan Spurlock.

I'm all about capitalism but my god, lets level the playing field. The corporate giants become easy targets for people to stake a claim against especially when the drivel comes at you face first in the form of opinionated negativity. And not to over use my own cliche, it is a sure sign of our eventual demise.

But that's what this site is all about... I'll level out the playing fields for you and continue to shadow box the ever impending apocalypse...

...And hyprocritically enough, probably spread a little propaganda of my own.

2005-08-10T21:14:00.000-05:00

(Yet More) Signs of the Apocalypse

Remember Jennifer Wilbanks?

She is that broad in Georgia who got cold feet right before her wedding day and split town... And lied to the authorities that she had been kidnapped and held against her will? After a small stint in Vegas she was finally "found" in Albuquerque, New Mexico?

Doesn't ring a bell?

She is that one chick that was in the news several weeks ago that had those gigantic freakish eyes.

There you go, now you know who Jennifer Wilbanks is. With eyes like that she could make a carp shudder. She makes Bug Eyed Earl seem... Well, normal.

Well it turns out that she has been keeping busy... putting in community service hours for the town of Lawrenceville, Ga. She appeared in court on June 2, and pleaded no contest to one felony count of lying to police. She received a two year probation sentence, 120 hours of community service, and a fine. And sadly enough, the press is once again having a field day with her.

So the runaway bride is pushing a lawnmower. Besides her eyeballs of course, whats the big deal with this insecure wench? She's mowing a freaking yard.

Wow... "Better get a photo for the paper, Ed!"

If you want my opinion, she should be doing cleanup duty in a local Mexican Restaurant. Because apparently, local Hispanics are quite pissed at her. When she gave her fake story to police she claimed that she had been kidnapped by a Hispanic man and a white woman. As far as I know, white women aren't taking it as hard.

Are you aware that there is a possible movie deal in the works? This timid broad puts her fiance' in the embarrassing national spotlight... Not to mention through certain hell, and she's going to become rich for it? This has to be a strong sign that the apocalypse will be upon us soon.

Good lord have mercy.

2005-08-09T20:02:00.000-05:00

Where Does the Time Go?

Ten years ago today Jerry Garcia died. It's been 10 years. Unbelievable.

I was alot younger 10 years ago.

Though my days of following the Grateful Dead were way behind me in 1995... I still had a certain affinity for the band. And especially Jerry.

He had been there when I really needed someone to be there for me... When I was young and into foolish things, and in real need of some positive guidance. Jerry was able to do what nobody else was able to do... He got to me. It was almost like he picked me up and carried me through my twenties.

But it didn't happen over night. I had been listening to bits and pieces of the Dead since about 1985. At first I was a "sometimes" listener, but then suddenly... WHAM! I was hooked.

I attended my first concerts in 1989 at the Alpine Valley Music Theatre. It was three nights of wacked out bliss, especially from the standpoint of an impressionable 21 year old. From there the train just got rollin. I attended over 25 shows in the next three years and traveled all over the country to do so.

In August 1991 I attended a very rare Jerry Garcia Band concert on the banks of the Eel River in Northern California. I was lucky to get in, as tickets were extremely scare... The only reason I managed to do so was because I had climbed to the top of the surrounding mountain the night before, spent the night under the stars, descended down the other side early the next morning, dropped myself off of a 20 foot cliff into the waters of the Eel, and swam to the shore... To the venue parking lot.

Once I was in the parking lot, I was in the concert itself... There was no separation between the two.

It was like a dream. Once inside I rubbed elbows with the likes of Ken Kesey, Bill Graham and Wavy Gravy... Plus about 500 stoned out naked hippies... Nobody had clothes on in the parking lot, and only a few did in the concert itself.

The show was run entirely on solar power... There was probably no way to get electricity out to this desolate spot that went from one day being genuine Bigfoot country to the next this amazing concert venue.

I managed to walk right up to the stage and stare at Jerry, without any pushing or shoving what so ever... And did so until his magical eyes met my gaze. I must have looked happy, because without missing a single note on his guitar lick during his version of Lay Down Sally, he flashed me a smile that still rebounds off of my memory to this day.

That had to be the pinnacle.

By the end of the following summer the crowds started to get out of control. There were fights in the parking lots, huge drug busts due to carelessness and overuse, kids crashing gates to break into shows... The whole scene took on the feeling of a dark cloud. It was like the shadow of Altamont had once again returned, to waggle it's finger at our impending doom.

By the fall of 1992, I quit going to shows. It wasn't about the music anymore, and I was tired of watching the crowd literally consume itself to death.

But... I still had my tapes.. And I still had my friends who were into the old scene... And we kept it going throughout the early 90's...

But it more or less stopped in 1995 after Jerry passed away. He had everything in the world going for him but he just couldn't kick his addictions.

While the scene was certainly still alive in the late 90's, even in Jerry's absense... It has NEVER been close to the same since then, as it was back then... When the music first and foremost brought the people to the band, and the band to the people.

There's never been another band as uniquely creative as the Dead, and Jerry Garcia was the biggest link to the scene. Nobody in the world of music reeked of coolness as he did.

But anyway...

I haven't seen anything on the news channels about Jerry dying ten years ago today. And arrogantly, I'll assume that there arent too many blogs talking about it either.... But that's okay. Jerry always reigned in the deep crevices of the counter culture. He was an estimated prophet... if not an unwilling one. He brought hope and happiness to thousands of people, and saved more than just a few of us from the edge of madness.

There's no doubt that he had his demons... Just as there is no doubt that he saved me from some of mine. He knows better but I know him.

And for that, I'm grateful.

2005-08-05T23:48:00.000-05:00

Father Fodder

Wow. It amazes how fast I can get sick of discussing politics. It's always a he said - she said contest, isn't it? Do my opinions ever change? Well slightly... If ever. And though it's fun to discuss politics, it's also one of those things that are well left alone.

Politics is like a McDonald's happy meal toy... Fun for awhile... But it loses it's luster so you put it away for awhile until it gains value or interest.

We are on the cusp of a football season folks... and with the Cubs playing typical Cubs baseball, I couldn't be more ready for it then I am now.

I just found out today that I will be going to the Chiefs - Vikings preseason game next Friday night in Minneapolis. I was going to be in Minneapolis anyway on a family vacation, and once I put one and one together that the Chiefs would be in town on Friday, well... I put in a call to a bud up there who gets Vikings season tickets. He has two... Offered me one... And the die is cast.

Now the die must fall.

In a somber note, Jim Kelley's 8 year old son died today of respiratory failure. He had Krabbe disease, an inherited degenerative disorder of the central and peripheral nervous systems. The disease hinders development of the myelin sheath, a fatty covering that protects the brain's nerve fibers.

I can't imagine losing a child. Especially a young child... It's beyond my comprehension of what that pain must be like.

Who can forget Jim Kelley's 2002 Hall of Fame induction speech when he lauded his young son while fighting back tears?

...Then there is my only son, Hunter. Born on February 14, Valentine's Day, my birthday. The son I've always wanted. I've dreamt what every father dreams about, playing catch in the backyard, going fishing, camping, everything that fathers and sons do. But within four months my son was diagnosed with a fatal disease called Krabbe leukodystrophy. They told us to take him home, and make him comfortable. And from that day, my wife and I decided to fight this disease. And so, we made it our lifelong commitment to make sure that kids all over the world don't suffer like my son does.

Since the day I was selected, I prayed to God that my son would be here with me today. God has granted me that blessing. It has been written throughout my career that toughness is my trademark. Well, the toughest person I've ever met in my life is my hero, my soldier, my son, Hunter. I love you, buddy.

It was a scene reminiscient of John Cappelitti's 1973 Heisman Trophy Speech when he praised the strength of his younger brother Joey, who was dying of Leukemia.

Football has always had a close association with pain and suffering... On and off the field. Tonight I will say a little prayer for Jim Kelley and his family. I can't imagine how much they're hurting right now.

Heh. Speaking of children, I gots to mention a conversation I had recently with my youngest daughter, Tory. We were in the van, me at the wheel and she in the back seat. We were talking about something (the topic escapes me, but it doesn't matter) and I was basically just entertaining her with conversation, emphasizing the point I made.

Me: You know what I'm saying Tory?

Tory: Yep.

Me: Do you know what I'm talking about?

Tory: Uh-huh.

Me: Are you smelling what I'm stepping in?

Tory: (She looks up and takes a big sniff of the air in the van.) No, I don't smell nothin' Daddy!

It was awesome. I almost drove off the road because it was so darned cute.

That's all I got right now.

Ch'all have a great weekend now, hear?

2005-08-05T20:35:00.000-05:00

Weekend Reach-around

In light of the previous post:

It took less time for (fill in the blank) than it did for George W. Bush to fire Karl Rove...

Go ahead... Fill in the blank.

Be funny... Be sarcastic... Be stupid... I don't care.

Hell, make your own reach-around if you like...

2005-08-03T17:40:00.000-05:00

Political Jam

I got an email today from a friend of mine's mother. It's one of many I get from her on a weekly basis... Usually she just jams up my inbox with the stuff I could really care less about; jokes, chain letters, and that ilk. I really don't mind so much I guess... She's a really nice lady, and I truly believe that she means well when she puts me on her bulk mailing list.

That being said, I seldom read what she sends. I personally loathe the email jokes and chain letters that come in bulk form. However today her email subject line caught my eye and I opened it up. It was:

Makes you think... Doesn't it?

1. There were 39 combat related killings in Iraq during the month of January.....In the fair city of Detroit there were 35 murders in the month of January. That's just one American City, about as deadly as the entire war torn country of Iraq.

2. When some claim President Bush shouldn't have started this war, state the following... FDR...led us into World War II. Germany never attacked us: Japan did. From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost, an average of 112,500 per year. Truman... finished that war and started one in Korea, North Korea never attacked us. From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost, an average of 18,334 per year. John F. Kennedy....started the Vietnam conflict in 1962. Vietnam never attacked us. Johnson...turned Vietnam into a quagmire. From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost, an average of 5,800 per year. Clinton...went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent, Bosnia never attacked us. He was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three times by Sudan and did nothing. Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions.

3. In the two years since terrorists attacked us President Bush has liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, crippled al-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in Libya, Iran and North Korea without firing a shot, and captured a terrorist who slaughtered 300,000 of his own people. The Democrats are complaining about how long the war is taking, but...It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation. We've been looking for evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records. It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Ted Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick killing a woman...

Okay...

I read it and immediately wanted to post it on here. If for nothing else to fuel a debate among all you... Politically speaking, a pretty mixed bunch.

I lay claim to neither the Republican or the Democratic parties. And to be totally honest with you I haven't been sold on this war in Iraq.

That being said...

I think this argument is very weak at best; nothing more than another Republican attack on Democrats and anti-war supporters with content that is totally unrelated to the subject at hand... And I'm pretty sure I could shoot it full of holes if I am prompted... Ironically enough it came to me on the same day that I read this story on Yahoo! News.

The headline certainly fits the content. It certainly does make me think. But I'm not sure that it had the impact on me that it was supposed to. At least from an intelligent point of view.

What do you think?

2005-08-02T16:35:00.000-05:00

In a post that is looooong overdue...

My friend Tyler Weig has completed his bicycle journey across the nation.

Because of his toughness, his integrity, his ability to overcome obstacles beyond comprehension.... This stud has single handedly raised over $14,000 for the Cancer Society.

Wow.

A prophet in some circles would emulate Tyler as the shizzle.

Me too... But...

I simply call him a friend... Which should tell you something. I know him. This monster doesn't sit back idly as the world turns, hoping for something to happen. He takes the gazelle by the horns and digs it's face into the ground like a night train bound for hell.

All in the name of goodness. Yes, friends... Tyler is evil about his goodness.

Once, a guy I knew... A Raiders fan... Needed his ass kicked severely. I didn't do it because, well I'm a Chiefs fan. And Chiefs fans are classy. I merely served him a simple putdown, which I don't think he got right away... It probably didn't hit him for 5 or 6 hours.

"I miss watching the Chiefs tackle Bo Jackson." That's what I said.

Any fan of Bo Jackson knows that he didn't do crappola against the Chiefs. Maybe I'm going out on a limb here, but their defense was second to none in the time of Bo... The Chiefs knew Bo.

Obviously, by laying down a simple putdown, I didn't kick this moronic Raider fan's much deserved ass... Maybe he never even got my point...But... Uh, I seem to have gotten off track here...

My point is, if I had said "Tyler, all you have to do is beat this guy down and you will eliminate blindness, as humble and genuinely good as Tyler is, he would have done it.

He conquers extreme-self discomfort like it's his job.

And I guess that maybe it was his job, to ride his bicycle across America to raise money and awareness for the Cancer Society. He did it. Voluntarily. He was the first person to ever do so.

In a day when it seems that most people set their drive to a slack level, Tyler goes out and ventures far beyond what would be considered a normal workday.

Here's a small example of Tyler's "work history:"

American Cancer Society “Relay for Life” events

“Race for the Rock”: A fundraiser for the YMCA involving the running of the Des Moines Marathon

The American Lung Association’s “Power Climb:” A fundraising race to the top of the tallest building in Iowa.

“Rock-In Prevention” A program designed to prevent drug and alcohol use among youth.

Volunteers for Youth:

The Special Olympics as a volleyball official

Mary Greeley Hospital in Ames, IA

Youth Tutoring and Coaching

It's not too late to give a donation to Tyler's cause. Even a little bit can be very beneficial.

Tyler, here's to you buddy. If they were giving out Grammy awards for personal sacrifice to support a good cause, you'd have a shelf full of them. Hell you deserve one anyway...

You freaking rock!

2005-08-01T18:12:00.000-05:00

Say it isn't So!

A big named player has tested positive for steroids and was handed down a 10 game suspension today, the mandatory penalty for first time offenders from MLB's relatively new steroid policy.

He is an ex-Chicago Cub.
He now plays for the Baltimore Orioles.
He has been accused in the past of using performing enhancing drugs.
He testified before Congress earlier this year denying any such use.
He is arguably a first ballot inductee into the Hall of Fame.
And...

His name isn't Sammy Sosa.

Instead, it's the newest member to MLB's 3000 hit club, Rafael Palmerio.

I for one didn't see this coming, and adamantly believe Palmerio when he says that he didn't "knowingly put any steroids" into his body. It just doesn't make sense.

At this stage in his career he has everything to lose and nothing to gain by using performance enhancing drugs. As I mentioned, he just collected his 3000th hit. He has already announced his retirement after this year, and he is a shoo-in for the Hall of Fame.

Only one person had more hits than Palmeiro in the 90's. (Ironically, the leader was Mark Grace... The person who filled Palmiero's shoes at first base for the Cubs.) He is currently 9th on the all time career home run list, just behind Harmon Killebrew with 569.

Only he, Hank Aaron, Willie Mays and Eddie Murray have 3000 hits and 500 homeruns in their prestigious careers. Palmeiro has absolutely no reason at all to detriment his outstanding career by even taking a chance with performance enhancing drugs.

He isn't denying that he tested positive for steroids. What he is saying is that he didn't knowingly ingest them... (assumingly from some form of medicine, I'm guessing)... And wouldn't have ingested (that medicine) if he had known it could prove test positive.

"When I testified in front of Congress, I know that I was testifying under oath and I told the truth,'' he said today. "Today I am telling the truth again that I did not do this intentionally or knowingly.''

I can only assume that he is telling the truth. When he was named as a steroid user in Jose Canseco's tattle-tell book, it didn't seem right to me. And it doesn't seem right to me now.

Palmeiro has always been cooperative with the press and has always been a class act. He never had that incredible muscle inflation that some of the other guys in the book... MacGwire, Sosa, Bonds and Giambi... Had.

He's always been consistent during his entire career, not only in performance, but also in relative size.

It's too bad that this had to happen to such a great ball player, especially just after he collected his 3000th hit. I feel really bad for Rafael Palmeiro, and I hope that this doesn't affect the voters on the Hall of Fame committee.

Unfortunately, I don't see how it won't.

Meanwhile, Sammy Sosa has to feel that he just dodged a bullet...

2005-07-29T17:26:00.000-05:00

Thank God it's Friday

Wow. What a week.

I worked way harder this week than I had intended to. It seems that every strenuous job got pushed my way... and if it wasn't strenuous it was one of those boring monotonous jobs that nobody else wants to do... So it gets pushed it on the rookie.

Which of course is me.

But I don't care. That's what beer is for. To redeem yourself for hard work.

In heaven there aint no beer...
That's why we drink it here...

That's a great old song... I wonder who sang it. (If anybody can tell me, without doing an internet search, I'll be impressed.)

My wife has escaped for the weekend, and the little one is at her grandparents in Des Moines... My older daughter is off at a friends house for an all-nighter, and I am on the cusp of a good old fashioned back yard drunk. Pretty soon Jay will be coming by, and a little later the grill will be cooking some choice meat. And then even a little later, Jay and I will be wound up tighter than a garbage bag full of fish guts as we consume alcohol like it's our job.

I already told you I worked hard this week. I don't see why tonight should be any different.